Sunday, December 31, 2006
1. "I'm not a snitcher; I just tell it like it is."
Nobody likes a Tattle-Tale.
2. "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"
Sibling rivalry is inevitable. I'm thankful to be an only child.
(Mr. Blob, this one's for you!)
3. "Mom always said "Don't play ball in the house!'"
There are just some things that even glue can't fix.
4. "Not glasses! They'll make me look absolutely positively goofy!"
It's all fun and games until someones doesn't wear their glasses and the family portrait gets ruined.
5. "Ooh! My nose!"
A boy should like you for what's on the inside, not for what your nose looks like.
6. "Something sudden came up!"
Honesty is the best policy.
7. "Pork chops and applesauce"
Makes for a fine meal.
8. "Baby Talk! Baby Talk! It's a wonder you can walk!"
It's mean to make fun of people.
9. "Were those your EXACT words?"
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
10. "I'm beautiful and noble; I'm Juliet!"
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
If you ever travel to Paris, please note that the French word for "veal" sounds very similar to their word for "brains." That will come in handy when ordering dinner at a bistro.
It's a nice idea to wait until you're married to have sex, but if you make your boyfriend wait too long he will undoubtedly sleep with a slut named Ariel and get crabs.
You may someday end up marrying the guy you made wait who got crabs from the slut. That's the stuff that storybook endings are made of.
See, not much to work with...
- Pizza hot from the oven
- A pint of Guinness with a still-frothy head
- Paris (I could "go there" with the French, but I'll refrain)
- A steak right off the grill
- Cuban Cigars
- Freshly mowed grass
- A lit match
- Homemade spaghetti sauce
- White Out
- Puppy breath
- Roasted peanuts
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Sunday, December 24, 2006
"Sons of bitches! Bumpasses!" is my favorite line. I own real Bumpass hounds. Reagan and Lulu go out in the backyard and torture my neighbors (who I hate, so it gives me great joy). I even have a Bumpass-looking fence that's all leaning and missing slats of wood. I'll post a picture sometime with my Bumpass hounds posing nearby.
Anyway, I must sign off and begin my travels to the Christmas Story holyland. Merry Christmas, and don't shoot your eye out.
I've arrived at the holyland. Only 17 minutes left in the countdown. I feel like Ralphie waiting for his Little Orphan Annie secret decoder badge.
In the comment section, my Papa John's-loving twin and/or new best friend has questioned my Christmas Story knowledge. I'll address it here. It is true that parts of the movie (namely the school scenes) were filmed in Toronto. But the house is here in Cleveland (in fact it's now a museum), and the opening and shopping scenes are in Downtown Cleveland. The Terminal Tower is shown at the very beginning. Also, the wooden escaltor that is shown at the department store and the row of chandeliers seen while Ralphie's in line for Santa--that's Dillard's in downtown Cleveland. It was Higbee's at the time of filming. I've been there a million times.
OK, time to start watching. Be sure to drink your Ovaltine!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
I'm not really one to worry about the environment (I'm a Republican, remember?), but occasionally a story will come along that concerns me. Equal to my fascination with sharks is a complete phobia of snakes. I read an article in National Geographic within the last two years discussing how the ecosystem of the Everglades has been shifting out of balance because of Burmese pythons being dumped there by stupid people when they get too big to be "pets."
Of course Burmese pythons are not native to Florida, and they happen to grow to amazing lengths--something like 26 feet! Think about that for a second; that's almost 3 stories. Can you imagine a snake that is as long as a mall is high (just to put it into terms I can relate to)!? I know with certainty that if I was to run into a 26 foot python while I was vacationing in Florida I would literally drop dead. Instant heart attack. No doubt in my mind.
So I read an article on CNN's website this week that the problem is getting worse. While it was previously believed that alligators would help control the python situation, quite the opposite is happening. The pythons are eating the alligators. That absolutely terrorizes me for some reason. In 100 years, will the pythons have cleaned out the Everglades and be the remaining mascot choice for Florida sports teams? I don't know how marketable the "Florida Pythons" would be...
(Click here if you want to read about a python's
gator grub gone bad.)
[Warning--contains gross picture!]
I'm amazed at how often I find myself thinking about this. I'm concerned enough to want to do something about it. I don't know what I can really do from Buffalo though. I can promise to not get a Burmese python as a pet. But to be honest that was a pledge I made a long time ago, and more for myself than the ecosystem. I can root for the alligators, which I will pledge to do now.
Beyond that, how does a Republican do something about the environment? I'm stumped, but I'm open to suggestions.
Upon hearing Matthew's odorant preference, several hundred fantasies of mine burst like a balloon. Now whenever I see him on an interview I mute the TV just in case he next admits that he doesn't believe in toothpaste.
Unfortunately, however, the damage is done. All I can think of now is that if I ever meet him I'd probably say to him, "Slider, you stink."
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Here he is.
Look at him, no sign of guilt or remorse.
PS - Yes, my dog is named after President Reagan.
I told you I'm a Republican!
Seriously, why did I think he was dead? Who am I confusing him with? Not River Phoenix, I know that. What the deuce?! Maybe I am losing it.
Anyway, since this is no longer a eulogy I will share that I had a crush on Wil and Sean Astin when they starred together in 1991's Toy Soldiers. I was 14, I had a crush on everybody in 1991.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The worst part of these pageants is always the talent competition. Let's just face it - if you're a beauty queen your only talent is being pretty; and that's the only reason people watch, so put the baton down and stop making a fool of yourself.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Newspaper Game
Works best for groups of 8 people or more. The only equipment needed is a pair of dice and a timer. Before the party, ask each guest to bring at least one item from their home that they don't mind parting with. It can be literally anything, and the crazier the better. The host should prepare at least 4-5 items in case someone forgets a "gift." All items should be wrapped in newspaper.
How to play:
To begin play, seat everyone around a table or in a circle on the floor. All the newspaper-wrapped gifts should be in the center. There are two rounds to the game. During the first round each player takes a turn rolling the dice. If a 7, 11 or doubles is rolled then the roller selects a gift from the center. This round continues until all the presents are gone.
The second round is a timed round. Set a timer for 15 minutes (20 minutes for a group larger than 12). Players continue to roll the dice, and a 7, 11 or doubles entitles you to steal a gift from someone else. When time runs out everyone opens their presents one at a time.
Why this is fun:
People usually don't understand how fun this game is until they actually play, but once they do they're hooked. What generally happens is that, during the first round, people begin to create images in their mind of what each gift could be. Often times the more creative, extraverted people in the group will shout out their ideas. This creates an attachment to specific packages, which makes for a fun round two.
Fast and furious rolling usually ensues as gifts are stolen and taken back, stolen and taken back. Then when the gifts are opened, be prepared to laugh until your belly hurts. To see what some people actually have in their homes is just too funny.
Some "gifts" that I've encountered over the years include a box of Pop Tarts (which during the game we came believe was a Furby), a heart-shaped telephone, an unfortunate looking generic Barbie doll, unidentified kitchen items, and so many more. During yesterday's game the best gift was a curling iron because it was given by a hyper-masculine bachelor, and the fact that he had a curling iron in his house sent all of us into hysterics.
One variation on the game could be to have the host provide all the gifts and lead your unsuspecting guests to believe that there are really nice things under the newspaper. Imagine their surprise when they open the package and see a Homer Simpson Chia Pet or something equally outrageous!
The Newspaper Game...it's a hoot!
Monday, December 18, 2006
I love McDonald's hashbrowns. They could be their own food group I love them so much. But if you get one that is not immediately out of the deep fryer, these beloved hashbrowns can be the most disgusting food item ever conceived by man. That's what happened to me today - 2 lukewarm, greasy, soggy, disgusting hashbrowns handed to me at the drive thru. One bite and I knew I had to throw them out. At that point I would have rather eaten lettuce, which I've previously blogged about my dislike of.
So I never really got my day started right, and now I'm in kind of a funk. I have a major case of Monday Morning mixed with a feeling of running up against a huge deadline. While I hope that later today I will feel more "Ho ho ho" rather than "Bah Humbug", right now it feels like McDonald's could very well have ruined my Christmas party. If that's the case, McDonald's, I'm only eating at Burger King from now on!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Last night I had dinner at a fun place in Buffalo called the Founding Fathers Pub. Great place for a Republican to grab a meal (I recommend the London Broil). Anyway, one of the great things about Founding Fathers is that the owner quizzes patrons on presidential trivia. That's right up my alley! Well I had a great time, and it prompted me to brush up on my presidential trivia.
Here's a great question I came across today, and I'll give the answer tomorrow.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Spice Odyssey™ Foaming body rub.
Here's an excerpt of the product description: Experience the magic and mystique of Morocco. Breathe in the exotic aromas. Feel the tantalizing textures. Explore the captivating culture. Ras El Hanout (“the best of the best”) is a famed fusion of the finest, freshest, most unique spices – some, reputed aphrodisiacs. And now it makes for a great escape. ...Even the roughest of skin is left exceptionally soft, seductively smooth.
It was quite fantastic, I must say. My skin was totally clean and noticeably softer. The scents transformed my shower into something like the marketplace in Cairo where Indiana Jones fought Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
- Highly recommended product for men
- Recommended product for women, although I suspect some may not like the scent
- Perfect gift for a metrosexual
- Pros: Exotic scent, results on skin
- Cons: Made a mess in the shower and price (too expensive at $27.50) (I didn't pay that much for mine, of course. I got mine at Dillards for $7.50 plus tax with two $10 off coupons. Where there's a will there's a way!)
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
He already took care of posting our shared beliefs on the beauty of Papa John's pizza with it's unique garlic butter sauce today. So I will blog about our shared beliefs of despising British "Humour" (oh yeah, I went there with that whacky British spelling).
OK, so here starts my rant. I have a college degree. I have a decent amount of life experience. I partake in most normal societal practices. I am not a clueless or unintelligent person. So I say this with thoughtful sincerity: I hate British humor.
Humor!? There's nothing humorous about it! I don't get it! Benny Hill, Mr. Bean, Monty Python...I hate them all. They're so "lettuce"! They are as bad as the lettuce under a big plate of "fish & chips" soaked in vinegar.
I have sincerely tried to watch them and to understand them, but I find them simply intolerable. For years I've pretended to be entertained while others laughed themselves into cardiac arrest over coconuts and stupid walks. But today I'm coming clean. I hate British humor and I'm not ashamed to say it, for there is at least one other like me. Thank you, Mr. Blob, for helping me clear the air on this issue.
Monday, December 11, 2006
So I put the two pieces together and said her name to myself, "Violet Affleck", and I really have a tough time pronouncing it properly. I get all Freudian and say "Violent Affect".
Or I hear that stupid "AFLAC!" duck in my head.
Whatever the case, it's like a tongue twister for me. Violet Affleck sold seashells by the sea shore. Violent Affect picked a peck of pickled peppers. See, I keep messing it up!
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Thursday, December 7, 2006
So I was feeling down on myself for not knowing any of the Grammy nominees (as if that's the key to health, wealth and happiness). Nonetheless, I was thinking, "Am I not hip anymore? (Maybe I never even was!) Do I really know as much about pop culture as I think I do, or am I delusional?" And then half my self-doubt went away (the pop culture half; I'm still feeling like I'm not hip at the moment) when I saw a list of previous Grammy winners and We Are the World was listed as Song of the Year in 1985, and I realized how much I really do know about pop culture.
I L-O-V-E-D We Are the World! To eight year old me that song and its 40 singers were my whole world for a good two months. I listened to the song constantly (my poor parents) and I watched "The Making of We Are the World" over and over again; I even memorized the album cover! I'm dead serious. Any name I didn't know at the time (like James Ingram) I researched. I researched until I knew everybody.
Now, some may see this as a waste of brain space. After all, what good can possibly come from knowing all the singers who participated in We Are the World? Well, it did help me win a game of Trivial Pursuit in 2001, some sixteen years later! It was a fierce game of boys against girls. The final question to win was something like:
I pulled up my mental database of artists and came up with the answer for the win.
Another little tidbit I know is that Dan Aykroyd and his wife, Donna Dixon, are very very very good friends with Fran Drescher. They're so close that Fran and her ex-husband stayed with Dan & Donna for a period of time following a violent and traumatic break-in to their home.
Oh, here's another little nugget of knowledge. American Idol's Randy Jackson was a contributing vocalist on the album.
I know--I know way too much about We Are the World. Maybe that's why I'm not hip.
Wednesday, December 6, 2006
Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back
You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)
I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)
I'd Lie For You (And That's The Truth)
And the winner is:
Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are
See what I mean? Maybe he gets paid per word like Charles Dickens. I don't know the reason but it sure is odd and kind of drives me crazy even though I like his music.
Last night when I got home from my trip I couldn't find her for hours. But then when I went to bed she came to me and laid with me all night! It was as if she was saying, "I still hate you, but I missed hating you." It was a Hallmark moment.
This is a picture of the face she makes when I pick her up. See the misery that is her life from being domesticated?
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Monday, December 4, 2006
Sunday, December 3, 2006
Well, I have to throw some pop culture into this to divert my attention, so here's some random Jaws facts for you.
- The mechanical shark used in Jaws was named "Bruce" by the cast and crew.
- Jaws is considered the first "Summer Blockbuster" and started the trend now so ingrained in our culture.
- Jaws was nominated for 4 Academy Awards and won three (Best Sound, Best Original Score and Best Film Editing)
- Charleton Heston was rejected for the role of "Chief Brody" (played by Roy Schieder). It was the cause of bad blood between Heston and Steven Spielberg, each of whom vowed never to work with the other.
- The Brody's cocker spaniel (barely seen in the movie, and not the black lab "Pippet" who was presumed to be eaten by the shark) was actually Steven Spielberg's dog in real life.
1. Keep them away from bright light, particularly sunlight.
2. No baths! You mustn't get a mogwai wet. (So no need to worry about not using Pantene on your male mogwai).
3. And most importantly, never ever feed them after midnight, not even Mighty Taco.
I would also add these rules:
4. Don't name your mogwai "Gizmo." It's a little unoriginal. I think "Cha Cha" for a female and "Clyde" for a male are much better.
5. Don't play any Justin Timberlake songs or your mogwai just might hum them to you.
6. Don't let your mogwai wear a dental grill. It may fight you because they like to be trendy with mohawks and stuff.
Also, help control the pet population and have your mogwai spayed or neutered.
Saturday, December 2, 2006
I will say that, even if it means there will be a Rocky VII where Sly hangs up his walker to step back in the ring, I so hope that Rock doesn't go all Apollo on us. No one wants to see their hero die in the ring, especially one who solidified the Iron Curtain for a few extra years. (If you haven't seen Rocky IV then don't even try to understand this paragraph. Furthermore, if you haven't seen Rocky IV, do yourself a favor and check it out. There are very credible arguments that it is the best Rocky of all.)