Nature Schmature

Trying to make the most of my summer vacation this past weekend, I went for a walk in the woods (to live deliberately and all that jazz). I drove from my parents' house to Chapin Forest Reservation in Kirtland, Ohio with my trusty companion, Lulu, by my side. I was excited, and ready to commune with nature as I forged into the forest.

Seeking a little quiet and solitude on my endeavor, I experienced neither when I immediately encountered a day camp of noisy children on my trail. While quickly moving to a different one, I accumulated an impressive rock garden in each of my shoes. Trying to pass the stabbing pains for calming acupuncture only lasted so long. It was time to regroup and start again.

Finally walking solo (in rockless shoes) I tried to take in the sounds, smells, and sights of nature. This is when I concluded rather quickly that I live in the city to avoid exactly these things. The sound of nature this day was a bug that I never actually saw buzzing near my ear. I think it's classification in the Animal Kingdom is Torturus Sidler. I could not out-sidle this sidler, and it was driving me mad. Determined to suck more marrow out of life, I continued my walk while constantly fanning my hands by my ears in a feeble attempt to keep the sidler insect at bay. This was the moment I stepped in horse poop.

As I took in the smell of nature (and cleaned it off my shoes), I was annoyed with the rude rider who ignored the "Please clean up after your pets" sign that was clearly posted at the beginning of the trail.

After the poo, I sat down on a bench (lest I step in anymore). I was trying to take in the sights of nature (picture below). Pretty boring, huh? That's what I thought too.

Determining that the marrow of my life is not in the woods, I fished my iPod from my bag and gleefully walked by to my car to the soothing sounds of "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas, deeming nature sooo "two thousand late."

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one back to the city.
~Reigning Frog

Senator Nanny Fine?

Miss Fine!

In what sounds like a rejected script from the TV show The Nanny, Fran Drescher is tossing her DKNY hat (bought on sale at Loehmann's, no doubt) in the ring to replace Hillary Clinton as the junior Senator from New York state.

Wuh?

I don't support the idea anymore than Mr. Sheffield would, and here's why:

• Since Roger Clinton is the Sheffield's neighbor, Hillary will still be in the picture. Hillary and C.C. have a lot in common-- namely that nobody can stand either of them.
• The probability is high that Fran will wear disguises to gain access to congressional meetings that she's not invited to. That may work in catching a husband, but not in governing a nation.
• Fran has a known Doppelgänger (Bobbi Flekman), so we would always be wondering if the real Fran Fine is standing up.
• As Mr. Sheffield can attest, Fran has a knack for losing precious documents (such as an original excerpt of Shakespeare). Could she really be trusted near the Constitution and Declaration of Independence?
• Fran is easily swayed by the mere mention of Barbra Streisand's name; therefore we can assume that she's an easy target for bribery.

I think with these reasons (and many others) it's abundantly clear that the U.S. Senate is no place for a nanny.

Rosie O'Donnell in the Morning

Anyone else think this is NOT photoshopped?

We're through

NaBloPoMo, I'm breaking up with you. I'm tired of your demands. I'm gonna blog when I want to blog.

The Best $4.25 I Never Spent

Cola Shampoo

Even I wouldn't have thought of this.

That's not to say that I don't want this badly;
I just wouldn't have thought of it.

Might Be the Night Fever

This 1985 photo of Princess Diana dancing with John Travolta at a ball thrown by Ronald Reagan has always boggled me. In fact, if this photo didn't pre-date PhotoShop (and there wasn't a ton of video footage of them dancing), I'd suspect it was fake.

Yes, strangeness abounds with this particular photo. As a quick example, there's the whole "Why is John Travolta at a White House function?" thing. His career had pretty much flatlined by this time (until Look Who's Talking came out in 1989). Can you blame us, really? I mean, we were still recovering from Staying Alive for crying out loud!

Also, there's the whole celebrity/politics thing. Perhaps it's just an urban legend, but I'm pretty sure that the universe falls out of alignment if a celebrity attends any kind of Republican function.

And while many celebrities often feel that they are royalty, actual royalty (and most Kennedys) hold no such illusions. To see the Princess of Wales even in the same room with Danny Zuko is very strange.

In fact, there are so many strange things about this scenario, that it creates a near "when pigs fly" phenomena. If not for this photo, I might walk around saying: "I'll stop eating meat when Vinnie Barbarino dances with the Princess of Wales on the floor of the White House!"

I'm Your #1 Fan

Excuse me, Mr. Elderflower Unperfumed Eye Gel--

can I have your autograph?

Intrigue

It's not often that a brand new shampoo comes out.

I am intrigued!

Simmering Inadequacy

There's nothin' like a little trip to Williams-Sonoma to make you realize how inadequate you, your kitchen, and probably your whole life are. I was there yesterday scoping out the outrageous new kitchen gadgets Santa might want to bring Martha Stewart. Let's see what I discovered...

A truffle shaver. I don't know how much this is, but I do know that truffles sell for about $130-380/pound. (Not bad for fungus.) Even at that price, does anyone really need a truffle shaver? Is there no other EXISTING tool that could do the job? [scratching head]

Moving on...


Aww, how cute. If you're gonna juice a lemon, I suppose having a little birdy helping could be kind of fun. But for some reason this thing reminds me of Lady Bird Johnson, and I just can't get past it.


Oh, here's something I actually really like and do want for myself:

A pink grapefruit cooking candle.

But not for $24.50!

After browsing all of the shelves, I left--empty handed--feeling like I've accomplished nothing in life. Maybe if I buy that truffle shaver, I will regain a little dignity.