A bad actress soon to be a bad author

So it seems that Tori Spelling is going to write a "collection of anecdotes" for her yet-to-be-born baby that will be published as a memoir. I'm not sure I really care, but I am sure that it will be bad. What can Donna Martin from Beverly Hills 90210 possibly write to her baby?

Dear Baby,
If you ever travel to Paris, please note that the French word for "veal" sounds very similar to their word for "brains." That will come in handy when ordering dinner at a bistro.
Love, Mom

Dear Baby,
It's a nice idea to wait until you're married to have sex, but if you make your boyfriend wait too long he will undoubtedly sleep with a slut named Ariel and get crabs.
Love, Mom

Dear Baby,
You may someday end up marrying the guy you made wait who got crabs from the slut. That's the stuff that storybook endings are made of.
Love, Mom

See, not much to work with...