Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned from the Brady Bunch

1. "I'm not a snitcher; I just tell it like it is."
Nobody likes a Tattle-Tale.

2. "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"
Sibling rivalry is inevitable. I'm thankful to be an only child.

(Mr. Blob, this one's for you!)
3. "Mom always said "Don't play ball in the house!'"
There are just some things that even glue can't fix.

4. "Not glasses! They'll make me look absolutely positively goofy!"
It's all fun and games until someones doesn't wear their glasses and the family portrait gets ruined.

5. "Ooh! My nose!"
A boy should like you for what's on the inside, not for what your nose looks like.

6. "Something sudden came up!"
Honesty is the best policy.

7. "Pork chops and applesauce"
Makes for a fine meal.

8. "Baby Talk! Baby Talk! It's a wonder you can walk!"
It's mean to make fun of people.

9. "Were those your EXACT words?"
Say what you mean and mean what you say.

10. "I'm beautiful and noble; I'm Juliet!"
Narcissists suck.

Saying goodbye to 2006--See Ya!

I am sooo looking forward to a new year. 2006 was without a doubt the most difficult and saddest year of my young life for reasons that just aren't worth discussing on this cheerful blog. Basic statistics would indicate that it's unlikely 2007 could be worse than 2006 unless a meteorite strikes Buffalo, France takes over the United States, and shampoo is outlawed; so I'm entering the New Year with my fingers crossed and a "glass-is-half-full" perspective.

But I can't entirely write off 2006 as a bad year. Five good things did happen, but seriously, that' s it. 5 joys to 25,489 sorrows-- not what I call a good year. Nonetheless, I'd like to give thanks for my joys...

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Joy #1 I'm keeping to myself right now

Joy #2 was making some wonderful new friends

Joy #3 was getting Lulu

Joy #4 is my house that I moved into in May

Joy #5 was getting a new car

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Let me show you how badly I needed a new car. Meet my 1991 Jeep Wrangler that I got at the age of 16 in 1993 and drove until mile 108,093 in May of 2006:

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I really, truly loved my Jeep. What's not to love about a Jeep? It had the "cool factor", it was versatile for Cleveland and Buffalo weather, and it was a fine Republican-mobile (as any SUV can attest). But at some point, I think around 2000, it transitioned from "It's a Jeep thing..." to "Piece of shit car." Look at the rust! And see how wet it is? It was that way on the inside too, except add 50 degrees and 1 million % humidity to account for the Greenhouse Effect that only a canvas soft-top can deliver. Oh, and it was the "Fred Flintstone" edition that allowed you to either use the gas pedal, or just push your way long through the large hole in the driver's-side floor. As good a car as it had been to me, I was really beginning to hate it and I'm glad to have replaced it in 2006. I think it was time.

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So, as I look back on this year through a new rear-view mirror, I offer thanks for my 5 joys, but mostly I say to 2006 as it heads out of my life: "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!"

I'm glad I'm not a pioneer

I don't think I would be a very good one. I was a wreck for the 111 1/2 hours I spent without electricity during the October storm--what would I do for a lifetime without electricity out in the great frontier?

Pioneer days had to suck. No electricity, no hot water--or even running water!--no toilets, or heat, or cars, or air conditioning, or Internet, or computers, or satellite radio, or pizza, or iPods, or cell phones (I actually might like that though since I hate talking on the phone). And I imagine that shampoo, if pioneers had any, was scarce. Yeah, me and pioneer days would not be a good match. I know you supposedly can't miss what you don't have, but even if I'd never heard of shampoo I know I'd feel a yearning for something.

I'm truly not a particularly fussy person. I don't live in the lap of luxury, or even insist on it. But I know myself well enough to know my sanity relies on the following:

1. Bathing every day;

2. Having electricity so that I can watch General Hospital and blog;

3. Spending hot, humid days lazing around in air conditioning.

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That's all I ask for out of life. That's it. Just those three things.

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And that's why I'd be a terrible pioneer.

Men Elizabeth Taylor did NOT marry

Because, let's face it, it's a shorter list.
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1. Alfred Hitchcock (The gentleman preferred blondes.)

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2. Michael Jackson (Although it would have been a less strange marriage than his to Lisa Marie Presley and hers to Larry Fortensky.)

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3. Elton John (He was too jealous of her jewelry.)

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4. Kevin Bacon (But certainly she has a Bacon Number...in fact her Bacon number is 1 because Kevin performed at her Happy Birthday Elizabeth: A Celebration of Life in 1997.)

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5. Elvis (They probably slept together though. Who didn't Elvis sleep with?)

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6. Bill Clinton (Marrying a Republican maybe tainted her--oh, let's be real, he probably still tried to get in her pants.)

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7. Osama bin Laden (He withdrew his proposal after he realized she wasn't actually Egyptian.)

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8. Brad Pitt (But I'm sure the man dating the present-day most beautiful woman in the world would have been tappin' that if he weren't in diapers.)

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9. Rosie O'Donnell (Not for lack of Rosie trying.)

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10. Flavor Flav (She refused to answer to "Sparkleishious".)

A bad actress soon to be a bad author

So it seems that Tori Spelling is going to write a "collection of anecdotes" for her yet-to-be-born baby that will be published as a memoir. I'm not sure I really care, but I am sure that it will be bad. What can Donna Martin from Beverly Hills 90210 possibly write to her baby?

Dear Baby,
If you ever travel to Paris, please note that the French word for "veal" sounds very similar to their word for "brains." That will come in handy when ordering dinner at a bistro.
Love, Mom

Dear Baby,
It's a nice idea to wait until you're married to have sex, but if you make your boyfriend wait too long he will undoubtedly sleep with a slut named Ariel and get crabs.
Love, Mom

Dear Baby,
You may someday end up marrying the guy you made wait who got crabs from the slut. That's the stuff that storybook endings are made of.
Love, Mom

See, not much to work with...

"May I say that you smell really special?"

"It must be my new shampoo."

"That's no shampoo. It's more...like a brand new automobile."

This dialogue exchange is from the 1950 classic Sunset Blvd. starring William Holden and Gloria Swanson. The first time I heard it I burst out laughing. If I told someone that they smell "really special", chances are it wouldn't be a romantic moment. (In fact, maybe that's what I'll say to Matthew McConaughey if I ever meet him without his deodorant!) Furthermore, if some guy told me that I had that "new car smell", I would go home and shower, throw out the perfume I was wearing, and wash all my clothes. I know we all love "that new car smell", but as a woman I don't strive to emulate that scent. In fact, here's a whole list of things that may smell fantastic, but none of them are anything that we women want our perfume to be compared to:

• Pizza hot from the oven
• A pint of Guinness with a still-frothy head
• Paris (I could "go there" with the French, but I'll refrain)
• A steak right off the grill
• Cuban Cigars
• Freshly mowed grass
• A lit match
• Homemade spaghetti sauce
• White Out
• Leather
• Puppy breath
• Roasted peanuts

Just to name a few...

¿Qué es eso?

OK, this is bad even for me. I bought this shampoo today at CVS. It was on clearance for $1.00. It's made by Sunsilk, which is a brand I trust, so I just bought it for the joy of buying cheap shampoo. But when I looked a little closer at the bottle I realized that the entire packaging (except the word "Sunsilk") is written in Spanish. I have no idea what it says. For all I know, this shampoo could make your hair fall out! From the picture on the bottle it seems to have cactus juice in it or something. I'm going to have to do some research on this and get back to you. Anyone know Spanish?

Meatloaf, Smeatloaf, Double Beetloaf

Oh, yes, it really is the most wonderful time of the year--24 hours of A Christmas Story begins tonight at 8:00 PM on TBS or TNT or one of Ted Turner's "T" channels. If you happen to wonder what I'll be doing from 8:00 PM Christmas Eve through 8:00 PM Christmas Day, chances are I will be sitting in a recliner next to my Dad laughing about Bumpass hounds, Red Rider BB guns, and frozen tongues. Oh, and this is just gravy, but I'll be in Cleveland where the movie was actually filmed. It's like visiting hallowed ground!

"Sons of bitches! Bumpasses!" is my favorite line. I own real Bumpass hounds. Reagan and Lulu go out in the backyard and torture my neighbors (who I hate, so it gives me great joy). I even have a Bumpass-looking fence that's all leaning and missing slats of wood. I'll post a picture sometime with my Bumpass hounds posing nearby.

Anyway, I must sign off and begin my travels to the Christmas Story holyland. Merry Christmas, and don't shoot your eye out.

Later that day...

I've arrived at the holyland. Only 17 minutes left in the countdown. I feel like Ralphie waiting for his Little Orphan Annie secret decoder badge.

In the comment section, my Papa John's-loving twin and/or new best friend has questioned my Christmas Story knowledge. I'll address it here. It is true that parts of the movie (namely the school scenes) were filmed in Toronto. But the house is here in Cleveland (in fact it's now a museum), and the opening and shopping scenes are in Downtown Cleveland. The Terminal Tower is shown at the very beginning. Also, the wooden escaltor that is shown at the department store and the row of chandeliers seen while Ralphie's in line for Santa--that's Dillard's in downtown Cleveland. It was Higbee's at the time of filming. I've been there a million times.

OK, time to start watching. Be sure to drink your Ovaltine!

Fun!

I am sooooo doing nothing right now. Saturday morning, especially the one before Christmas, is just made for being lazy. Right now I'm listening to Howard Stern reruns on my Sirius satellite radio while I web surf wirelessly thanks to the generosity of one kind, unknown neighbor who doesn't have a password on his/her WiFi. I'm still in my nightgown and slippers (and will be for another 3-4 hours at least); I'm sipping delicious hot coffee--and, oh yeah, I'm having Christmas cookies for breakfast! Sometimes you have to let loose; it's good for the soul.

Will the Florida Panthers become the Florida Pythons?

[Warning: This post is not for the feint of heart;

I'll be discussing snakes and alligators.]

I'm not really one to worry about the environment (I'm a Republican, remember?), but occasionally a story will come along that concerns me. Equal to my fascination with sharks is a complete phobia of snakes. I read an article in National Geographic within the last two years discussing how the ecosystem of the Everglades has been shifting out of balance because of Burmese pythons being dumped there by stupid people when they get too big to be "pets."

Of course Burmese pythons are not native to Florida, and they happen to grow to amazing lengths--something like 26 feet! Think about that for a second; that's almost 3 stories. Can you imagine a snake that is as long as a mall is high (just to put it into terms I can relate to)!? I know with certainty that if I was to run into a 26 foot python while I was vacationing in Florida I would literally drop dead. Instant heart attack. No doubt in my mind.

So I read an article on CNN's website this week that the problem is getting worse. While it was previously believed that alligators would help control the python situation, quite the opposite is happening. The pythons are eating the alligators. That absolutely terrorizes me for some reason. In 100 years, will the pythons have cleaned out the Everglades and be the remaining mascot choice for Florida sports teams? I don't know how marketable the "Florida Pythons" would be...

(Click here if you want to read about a python's
gator grub gone bad.)
[Warning--contains gross picture!]

I'm amazed at how often I find myself thinking about this. I'm concerned enough to want to do something about it. I don't know what I can really do from Buffalo though. I can promise to not get a Burmese python as a pet. But to be honest that was a pledge I made a long time ago, and more for myself than the ecosystem. I can root for the alligators, which I will pledge to do now.

Beyond that, how does a Republican do something about the environment? I'm stumped, but I'm open to suggestions.

Captain Crunchy

Matthew McConaughey certainly is one sexy man. To me he epitomizes male physical perfection. But within the last year I learned something about him that has forever tainted his image in my mind. According to the Sexiest Man Alive 2005 himself, Matthew never wears deodorant. Um, I kind of have a problem with that, and truthfully would have just rather not known.

Upon hearing Matthew's odorant preference, several hundred fantasies of mine burst like a balloon. Now whenever I see him on an interview I mute the TV just in case he next admits that he doesn't believe in toothpaste.

Unfortunately, however, the damage is done. All I can think of now is that if I ever meet him I'd probably say to him, "Slider, you stink."

Unless it meows or barks, I won't remember to feed it

Whatever gene it is that gives a person a "green thumb" I did not inherit. In fact, I'm pretty much the kiss of death for anything botanical. I have tried to sustain fresh basil in my kitchen at least 52 times. It always ends badly. Let me show you.

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It could be as simple as that I always forget to water plants, but it really goes beyond that. I truly have a "black thumb" and eventually end up killing any plant that comes my way. Thank God that doesn't happen with me and animals. Although pets are not nearly as subtle as a plant when they are hungry.

Reagan Ronald!

You can always tell when a mom is seriously yelling at her children if the kid's middle name is included in the shout. I was an incredibly well-behaved child, but even I heard "Christina Suzanne!" shouted at me from time to time.

Well, I don't have children, but I do have six pets whom I love, and who also try my patience the way children do. This is especially true of my dog, Reagan. Reagan is a spoiled brat. He has his own couch, yet he insists on napping on my couch intended for people. He totally knows that he's not supposed to be up there, but he thinks he should be.

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Recently I caught him in the act. Whenever I catch him, I instinctively do the mom yell, "Reagan Ronald!" and he gets down. It's the only thing that works.

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Here he is.
Look at him, no sign of guilt or remorse.

PS - Yes, my dog is named after President Reagan.
I told you I'm a Republican!

I thought Wil Wheaton was dead, but apparently he's not

Oops, my bad. Well, Wil's been resurrected here on Reigning Frog's Blog. Welcome back, Wil! But I have to ask, why do you spell your name with only one "L"? It's kind of irritating for me and my spellcheck. Daring to be different?

Seriously, why did I think he was dead? Who am I confusing him with? Not River Phoenix, I know that. What the deuce?! Maybe I am losing it.

Anyway, since this is no longer a eulogy I will share that I had a crush on Wil and Sean Astin when they starred together in 1991's Toy Soldiers. I was 14, I had a crush on everybody in 1991.

Am I alone in not caring about this story?

Miss USA. I don't even know her name, or what she did to be all up in our business lately. Everytime I try to read the story I get bored. I have to dig deep to drum up sympathy for a beauty queen. I don't do well with phony, and once I lost the rose-colored glasses of my youth I realized how phony all of these pageant participants are. Like they really care about their platforms!

The worst part of these pageants is always the talent competition. Let's just face it - if you're a beauty queen your only talent is being pretty; and that's the only reason people watch, so put the baton down and stop making a fool of yourself.

The Newspaper Game

Today I share with you the craziest yet funnest game to play with a large group of people. It's called "The Newspaper Game." I learned it from my first boyfriend's family years and years ago; my family has played it many times, and we played it at my office Christmas party yesterday (which thankfully McDonald's didn't ruin). It's always a big hit.

The Newspaper Game
Works best for groups of 8 people or more. The only equipment needed is a pair of dice and a timer. Before the party, ask each guest to bring at least one item from their home that they don't mind parting with. It can be literally anything, and the crazier the better. The host should prepare at least 4-5 items in case someone forgets a "gift." All items should be wrapped in newspaper.

How to play:
To begin play, seat everyone around a table or in a circle on the floor. All the newspaper-wrapped gifts should be in the center. There are two rounds to the game. During the first round each player takes a turn rolling the dice. If a 7, 11 or doubles is rolled then the roller selects a gift from the center. This round continues until all the presents are gone.

The second round is a timed round. Set a timer for 15 minutes (20 minutes for a group larger than 12). Players continue to roll the dice, and a 7, 11 or doubles entitles you to steal a gift from someone else. When time runs out everyone opens their presents one at a time.

Why this is fun:
People usually don't understand how fun this game is until they actually play, but once they do they're hooked. What generally happens is that, during the first round, people begin to create images in their mind of what each gift could be. Often times the more creative, extraverted people in the group will shout out their ideas. This creates an attachment to specific packages, which makes for a fun round two.

Fast and furious rolling usually ensues as gifts are stolen and taken back, stolen and taken back. Then when the gifts are opened, be prepared to laugh until your belly hurts. To see what some people actually have in their homes is just too funny.

Some "gifts" that I've encountered over the years include a box of Pop Tarts (which during the game we came believe was a Furby), a heart-shaped telephone, an unfortunate looking generic Barbie doll, unidentified kitchen items, and so many more. During yesterday's game the best gift was a curling iron because it was given by a hyper-masculine bachelor, and the fact that he had a curling iron in his house sent all of us into hysterics.

One variation on the game could be to have the host provide all the gifts and lead your unsuspecting guests to believe that there are really nice things under the newspaper. Imagine their surprise when they open the package and see a Homer Simpson Chia Pet or something equally outrageous!

The Newspaper Game...it's a hoot!

McDonald's may have ruined my Christmas party

I have a busy, yet fun day planned today hosting a staff Christmas party at my home this afternoon. In looking forward to such a delightful event, I wanted to get my day started on a positive note. What better way to do that than with breakfast at McDonald's? Or so I thought...

I love McDonald's hashbrowns. They could be their own food group I love them so much. But if you get one that is not immediately out of the deep fryer, these beloved hashbrowns can be the most disgusting food item ever conceived by man. That's what happened to me today - 2 lukewarm, greasy, soggy, disgusting hashbrowns handed to me at the drive thru. One bite and I knew I had to throw them out. At that point I would have rather eaten lettuce, which I've previously blogged about my dislike of.

So I never really got my day started right, and now I'm in kind of a funk. I have a major case of Monday Morning mixed with a feeling of running up against a huge deadline. While I hope that later today I will feel more "Ho ho ho" rather than "Bah Humbug", right now it feels like McDonald's could very well have ruined my Christmas party. If that's the case, McDonald's, I'm only eating at Burger King from now on!

Presidential Trivia

Last night I had dinner at a fun place in Buffalo called the Founding Fathers Pub. Great place for a Republican to grab a meal (I recommend the London Broil). Anyway, one of the great things about Founding Fathers is that the owner quizzes patrons on presidential trivia. That's right up my alley! Well I had a great time, and it prompted me to brush up on my presidential trivia.

Here's a great question I came across today, and I'll give the answer tomorrow.

Who was the first left-handed president?

Added 12/18/06

Click here for the answer

Shampoo Review: Good-Hair-Days are Sweet as Honey

I had a Good-Hair-Day last night and I owe it all to stylist to the stars Ken Paves. Ken has this awesome line of 8 "FLAW-less" haircare products that are available exclusively at Walgreens. Each product is only $5.99, which is fantastic considering that they are truly professional salon quality. Of the 8 products, I used the 4 pictured here last night (but of course I do own the other 4 and recommend them all).

Typically I like to use a different shampoo each time I wash my hair, but if I was stuck on a deserted island and could only have one hair product I would choose Ken's hands down. The ingredients are unbelievable. The shampoo has numerous essential oil extracts, the conditioner has milk and shea butter, the mousse has honey, and the hairspray has Burdock Root, which theoretically stimulates hair growth.

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The only thing I'm not sure of is if these products work well for all hair types. I have long, fine hair of medium thickness. I have to condition a lot to keep the ends from drying, yet my roots are oily. When I style my hair I need products that add volume. Ken's products are perfect for my specific hair criteria, and perhaps they work for others too, I just don't know. Nonetheless, I highly recommend this line of haircare products.

Love is in the air

Not only does my cat Mac have a love interest, but now Lulu does too! Meet Rocky, Lulu's boyfriend. For their first date he took her to a nice patch of grass.

Bath product review: Origins Spice Odyssey

I treated myself to this product while I was on vacation in Phoenix. I've been waiting for the perfect moment to use it and decided that today was it. After my morning coffee, brief yoga session, and opportunity to catch up on journaling I was feeling all "organic" and decided to use all natural products today, including this body wash:
Spice Odyssey™ Foaming body rub.

Here's an excerpt of the product description: Experience the magic and mystique of Morocco. Breathe in the exotic aromas. Feel the tantalizing textures. Explore the captivating culture. Ras El Hanout (“the best of the best”) is a famed fusion of the finest, freshest, most unique spices – some, reputed aphrodisiacs. And now it makes for a great escape. ...Even the roughest of skin is left exceptionally soft, seductively smooth.

It was quite fantastic, I must say. My skin was totally clean and noticeably softer. The scents transformed my shower into something like the marketplace in Cairo where Indiana Jones fought Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Bottom Line:

• Highly recommended product for men
• Recommended product for women, although I suspect some may not like the scent
• Perfect gift for a metrosexual
• Pros: Exotic scent, results on skin
• Cons: Made a mess in the shower and price (too expensive at $27.50) (I didn't pay that much for mine, of course. I got mine at Dillards for $7.50 plus tax with two $10 off coupons. Where there's a will there's a way!)

Mac & Francine, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

My Siamese cat, Mac, is in love. Recently I added extra blankets to my bed for the winter, one of them being made of faux fur. Well, Mac apparently thinks this blanket is the real thing, and he's quite smitten. In fact, he has gotten "romantic" with the blanket so often that I named it "Francine" and have kind of just given it to him.

Here's a picture of Mac & Francine.

See how he gazes lovingly at her?

He must have a thing for blondes.

Klassy

Britney & Paris: Classy with a "K."

I'm sick of seeing them everytime I go to

People.com for some real news.

I thought I was the only one...

Last night at Robin's birthday party I was talking to a fellow blogger. We decided that we're new best friends, or long lost brother and sister who look nothing alike, or something like that due to eery similarities in our likes and hatred of certain pizza (go Papa John's!), movies (I'll say it: "Eff Harry Potter"), department stores (Dillards rules!) and The Brady Bunch (a ridiculously entertaining show). So today I give a shout out to my blog buddy "Mr. Blob."

He already took care of posting our shared beliefs on the beauty of Papa John's pizza with it's unique garlic butter sauce today. So I will blog about our shared beliefs of despising British "Humour" (oh yeah, I went there with that whacky British spelling).

OK, so here starts my rant. I have a college degree. I have a decent amount of life experience. I partake in most normal societal practices. I am not a clueless or unintelligent person. So I say this with thoughtful sincerity: I hate British humor.

Humor!? There's nothing humorous about it! I don't get it! Benny Hill, Mr. Bean, Monty Python...I hate them all. They're so "lettuce"! They are as bad as the lettuce under a big plate of "fish & chips" soaked in vinegar.

I have sincerely tried to watch them and to understand them, but I find them simply intolerable. For years I've pretended to be entertained while others laughed themselves into cardiac arrest over coconuts and stupid walks. But today I'm coming clean. I hate British humor and I'm not ashamed to say it, for there is at least one other like me. Thank you, Mr. Blob, for helping me clear the air on this issue.

Violet Affleck

Just read an article about Ben Affleck where he mentions that his daughter, Violet, has his last name. That totally makes sense, but it was the first time I heard that V's last name is Affleck ('cause it could be "Garner" like her mom Jennifer).

So I put the two pieces together and said her name to myself, "Violet Affleck", and I really have a tough time pronouncing it properly. I get all Freudian and say "Violent Affect".
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Or I hear that stupid "AFLAC!" duck in my head.

Whatever the case, it's like a tongue twister for me. Violet Affleck sold seashells by the sea shore. Violent Affect picked a peck of pickled peppers. See, I keep messing it up!

Body Butter

I love this stuff, and it's not just because it has the word "butter" in it. As far as beauty products go, body butter is like gold (maybe even platinum) for caring for skin, especially during the winter. This pictured product is Strawberry Body Butter from The Body Shop. It's priced from $8-17. I got this as a gift, and it is very good quality with a pleasing scent, but I would never pay so much for lotion. So I'll share one of my shopping secrets with you. T.J. Maxx and Marshalls have the world's best body butters for $4.99. Over the years I've gotten banana, citrus, fresh milk, shea butter and olive oil body butters from these fine stores, and they're awesome. A highly recommended product (as long as you get it cheap).

Shampoo Strike

As a self-proclaimed shampoo connoisseur (why can't I ever spell that word properly? Must be French. Of course it is will all those unnecessary letters...) Anyway, as a shampoo CONNOISSEUR I make my daily selection based upon the immediate needs of my hair. For example, today I wanted more volume so I selected Infusium 23 which professes to do just that. Well, it sucked. Strike 1 Infusium! I've used it successfully before, so I'm thinking it must be an inconsistent product. So I wanted to share my experience with you in case you are relying on Infusium for an important occassion. It's not to be trusted!

Can't Sleep

I've been trying to fall asleep for the last hour. I need to wake up early tomorrow, so it just figures that I can't fall asleep.

I don't do well without sleep. I get cranky. I need my beauty rest. This sucks.

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I know what I'll do! I'll think of the movie The Age of Innocence starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Michelle Pfeiffer. (BTW, why does Daniel Day hyphenate his name like he's a progressive woman?)

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I have a strange love/hate relationship with this movie. I find parts of it intolerably boring, yet I always get sucked into watching it if it's on TV. And it never fails to make me fall asleep. In fact, I don't quite really understand the movie, and this falling asleep thing could be a reason why. Or it could be that it really is just a boring movie. Yeah, that's what it is, it's just a really boring movie.

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I think it's working, so I'm going to bed now. Good night.

How "We Are the World" has helped me in life

The 2006 Grammy nominees were announced today. I don't even know half the singers or songs. It's so pathetic. The only one I do know is Justin Timberlake, and I hate him. I don't just hate his music, I think I really hate him in his entirety. I can't put my finger on exactly why; I've never even met the man. But I'm certain of my bad vibe-age regarding him.

So I was feeling down on myself for not knowing any of the Grammy nominees (as if that's the key to health, wealth and happiness). Nonetheless, I was thinking, "Am I not hip anymore? (Maybe I never even was!) Do I really know as much about pop culture as I think I do, or am I delusional?" And then half my self-doubt went away (the pop culture half; I'm still feeling like I'm not hip at the moment) when I saw a list of previous Grammy winners and We Are the World was listed as Song of the Year in 1985, and I realized how much I really do know about pop culture.

I L-O-V-E-D We Are the World! To eight year old me that song and its 40 singers were my whole world for a good two months. I listened to the song constantly (my poor parents) and I watched "The Making of We Are the World" over and over again; I even memorized the album cover! I'm dead serious. Any name I didn't know at the time (like James Ingram) I researched. I researched until I knew everybody.

Now, some may see this as a waste of brain space. After all, what good can possibly come from knowing all the singers who participated in We Are the World? Well, it did help me win a game of Trivial Pursuit in 2001, some sixteen years later! It was a fierce game of boys against girls. The final question to win was something like:

"Who was the only non-American to participate

in the recording of We Are the World."

I pulled up my mental database of artists and came up with the answer for the win.

The answer is DAN AYKROYD. He's Canadian.

Another little tidbit I know is that Dan Aykroyd and his wife, Donna Dixon, are very very very good friends with Fran Drescher. They're so close that Fran and her ex-husband stayed with Dan & Donna for a period of time following a violent and traumatic break-in to their home.

Oh, here's another little nugget of knowledge. American Idol's Randy Jackson was a contributing vocalist on the album.

I know--I know way too much about We Are the World. Maybe that's why I'm not hip.

What's up with Meatloaf's Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious song titles?

There's something funky about Meatloaf and it's not just his name. He has the longest song titles of any rocker I've ever heard. They're so long they require punctuation. Some even have alternate titles! That's odd considering that all of his albums are named Bat Out of Hell something or other. Here, check out what I'm saying:

Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back
You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)
I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)
I'd Lie For You (And That's The Truth)

And the winner is:
Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are

See what I mean? Maybe he gets paid per word like Charles Dickens. I don't know the reason but it sure is odd and kind of drives me crazy even though I like his music.

Cat Love

My littlest cat, Miranda, hates me. She's hyper-sensitive to change, and there's just been too much change in her life this last year (from moving to getting Lulu and other stuff) for her to ever forgive me. I swear she plots assassination attempts against me. She "plays" with wine corks, but I think she's building a weapon of some kind and will use the corks as ammo when she collects enough.

Last night when I got home from my trip I couldn't find her for hours. But then when I went to bed she came to me and laid with me all night! It was as if she was saying, "I still hate you, but I missed hating you." It was a Hallmark moment.

This is a picture of the face she makes when I pick her up. See the misery that is her life from being domesticated?

"Home Crap Home"

One of my favorite sayings from one of my favorite movies, 1986's The Money Pit. Also, it sums up how I feel after taking a much needed vacation. I always feel that way when returning from a trip. It doesn't matter where I've been, whom I've seen, or how badly I've needed to get away; I'm just always so damn glad to be back home. I guess it's because I really like my life in Buffalo. I love the city, my friends, my job, my life. My family is close enough in Cleveland that I can see them whenever I want. And I truly do need vacations to rest and appreciate all I have. But when I return, I can't help but say each time "Home Crap Home."

Superman's Cape

Back around Halloween I noticed all these children running around in inappropriate Superman costumes. They all had that stupid burgundy-brown cape instead of the one true red cape worn by real Supermen for decades. I don't like Earth-Hue Superman; I like Primary Color Superman. Blue, Yellow and RED; it keeps things simple. Plus, down the road, if I ever have kids, I don't want to hear them say, "My Mom is so old that Superman's cape was still red when she was little."

Missing Digits

Why do cartoon characters never have five fingers? I'm sure I'm not the first to notice this. Does anyone have an answer? Look at this wide array of characters I've sampled. They all have 4 fingers. Are 5 really that hard to draw? I'm baffled.

My biggest fear

This picture so completely freaks me out. I can't even explain how much this terrifies me. I know it's photoshopped, but this is seriously my worst fear. I love to swim, particularly in pools. But this strange thing happens when I'm swimming alone where I hear the chilling theme song from Jaws in my mind and irrationally convince myself that a shark who can withstand chlorine is eyeing me for dinner. I wonder what Freud would have to say about that?

Well, I have to throw some pop culture into this to divert my attention, so here's some random Jaws facts for you.

• The mechanical shark used in Jaws was named "Bruce" by the cast and crew.
• Jaws is considered the first "Summer Blockbuster" and started the trend now so ingrained in our culture.
• Jaws was nominated for 4 Academy Awards and won three (Best Sound, Best Original Score and Best Film Editing)
• Charleton Heston was rejected for the role of "Chief Brody" (played by Roy Schieder). It was the cause of bad blood between Heston and Steven Spielberg, each of whom vowed never to work with the other.
• The Brody's cocker spaniel (barely seen in the movie, and not the black lab "Pippet" who was presumed to be eaten by the shark) was actually Steven Spielberg's dog in real life.

My blog is nothing if not educational.

Bacon!

I've never really met any celebrities or otherwise famous people (except for many of the fine musicians in the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra. You guys are beyond celebrities.) But last night I was at a party and also in attendence was an artist named Ron Burns. I'd never heard of him before, but we talked for awhile and I found him quite fascinating. All of his subjects are dogs. So I googled him today and it turns out he's pretty famous. So I'm thinking that if he knows any celebrities, I can then six degree myself into having a Bacon number. Cool!

Care instructions for Mogwai

Just thinking about the fantastic 80s movie Gremlins. In case you happen to adopt a mogwai from petfinder.com or a local shelter near you, it's very important that you remember these three care instructions:

1. Keep them away from bright light, particularly sunlight.

2. No baths! You mustn't get a mogwai wet. (So no need to worry about not using Pantene on your male mogwai).

3. And most importantly, never ever feed them after midnight, not even Mighty Taco.

I would also add these rules:

4. Don't name your mogwai "Gizmo." It's a little unoriginal. I think "Cha Cha" for a female and "Clyde" for a male are much better.

5. Don't play any Justin Timberlake songs or your mogwai just might hum them to you.

6. Don't let your mogwai wear a dental grill. It may fight you because they like to be trendy with mohawks and stuff.

Also, help control the pet population and have your mogwai spayed or neutered.

Rocky 6000

I'm not making this up. There is another Rocky movie coming out on Christmas Day. I love Rock, but if Rocky V was overdoing it, how is VI going to help? Stallone is being sly (Ba-zing to that pun!) with disguising the fact that it's a sequal to the third power. It's entitled Rocky Balboa. See? Sounds like it could be a pre-quel, or even a whole new, mildly-related thing. The movie poster even looks a little retro. But no, it's numero seis. I think Sly just knows that the average person can't count to 6 in Roman numerals so he gave it a simpler name.
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I will say that, even if it means there will be a Rocky VII where Sly hangs up his walker to step back in the ring, I so hope that Rock doesn't go all Apollo on us. No one wants to see their hero die in the ring, especially one who solidified the Iron Curtain for a few extra years. (If you haven't seen Rocky IV then don't even try to understand this paragraph. Furthermore, if you haven't seen Rocky IV, do yourself a favor and check it out. There are very credible arguments that it is the best Rocky of all.)

A dream come true, Chocolate Shampoo!

I found a miracle yesterday! A true masterpiece of human ingenuity. I couldn't believe my eyes. Could it be? Could such a perfect product be real? But it is real, and it's wonderful! The best thing about it is that it's a 3-in-1 product; shampoo, shower gel AND bubble bath. I was skeptical that such a product would properly cleanse, condition and prepare my hair for styling, but it was as good as, if not better than, my recommended Herbal Essences line. This is a limited edition product made by Philosophy available in Sephora stores and at Sephora.com, and I give it two combs up and a Godiva truffle (that's the equivalent of like 7 stars!).

World AIDS Day

Today and every December 1st is World AIDS Day. I am involved in some local AIDS organizations in Buffalo personally and through my working at a church. It's a cause that I came to champion after a fantastic storyline on, of course, General Hospital. Yes, I'm serious, and I know it's pathetic, but if anything it goes to show you that soap operas aren't a waste of time.

In 1995 General Hospital's beloved character "Stone" died of AIDS at the age of 19. He also infected his girlfriend Robin with HIV. (She's still on the show dating Dr. Patrick Drake.) But Stone and Robin are fiction, and sadly there are millions of real people living with HIV/AIDS. I'm thinking of them today.