Got Milk?

Today I read what I found to be a very odd phrase in a news article. And like a bad song, this phrase has been stuck in my mind all day. In an article about surviving a bad storm, a person was quoted as follows: "By morning, feeling somewhat mellow and filled with the milk of human kindness..."

"The milk of human kindness." The milk of human kindness? What the hell is that? To me it sounds like something Bill Clinton spilled on Monica Lewinsky's dress. So I asked myself, "Do I really even want to know what the milk of human kindness is?"

Curiosity eventually got the better of me and I googled it. According to The Phrase Finder, its origins are from Shakespeare's Macbeth and it means "care and compassion for others." Shakespeare's always been a little over my head (or rather a lot over my boredom threshold), so I'm not surprised I've never heard it.

But I wonder, why is this phrase still around some 384 years later? What's so special about it? Sounds like nincompoopery to me! But then I pondered... maybe Shakespeare was part of an early "Got Milk?" ad campaign. Dairy was big in the 1600's, and he was a celebrity at the time. He would have been the perfect spokesperson!

I think I'm on to something here...

The World's Most Dangerous Places

DEATH VALLEY

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CAPE HORN

THE DOLLAR BINS AT TARGET

Valentine candle holders may potentially bankrupt me if I go back there before they sell out. Two heart-shaped glass votive holders for $1.00, one red, one clear! God bless our trade with China...

Shoes in Trees...

Way too many times in my life I have seen a pair of sneakers hanging from a tree, traffic light, electric wire, or some other random public place. Why? I don't get it. Who are these barefoot people that feel the need to dangle their shoes in public? Are they the same little gnomes that take socks from the dryer so that you have no matching pairs?

Who are these people?!?! I have to know! Have you ever seen anyone do this, or have you ever thrown your shoes onto a tree? Please help me solve this mystery.

Thairapy

Today I finished a HUGE project at work that I've been working on all month--the 2006 Annual Report for my place of employment. I feel like I just gave birth to a strapping 71-page baby boy. He's 8 1/2 by 11 inches and weighs, probably, 6 oz.

When I finally got the damn thing to the printer, I ran to the closest CVS/Rite Aid/Walgreens to reward myself with a new shampoo. I call it "Thairapy."

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What a wonderful day to buy a new shampoo! Right there on the shelves at CVS, as if waiting for me, was a BRAND NEW scent of VO5 shampoo and conditioner--Vanilla Mint Tea Therapy! It's so new it's in their newly-shaped bottle, and I can't even find it on their website yet.

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I bet it's a test product, and Alberto VO5 himself heard about my shampoo obsession, so he put the market samples of vanilla mint here in Buffalo. Well, Mr. VO5, I'll be happy to test your product tonight and tell you what I think.

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Thairapy...benefiting me, benefiting you.

"She's the happiest she's ever been!"

This is the new canned phrase every publicist states about every celebrity undergoing tough times. Jessica Simpson was "the happiest she's ever been" while divorcing Nick Lachey, as was Jennifer Aniston after Brad dumped her for Angelina. And now we hear that Lindsay Ho-han is "the happiest she's ever been" in rehab.

I don't buy it. Here's the various ways I interpret the statement depending on the celebrity:

• She's nearly suicidal.
• She's coming off a week-long bender.
• She gained 10 pounds on an M&M eating binge.
• She shopped herself to near death.
• She's finding comfort in the bed of the nearest backup dancer.
• She's hanging out with Paris Hilton.

There's no "happiest-ness" to be found in any of those situations...but it's probably the reality.

So Annoyitating!

Definition of annoyitate :
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1. (v.tr.) Using one's ability to annoy and irritate, at the same time.
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Example: "Posh Spice's attitude is annoyitating."

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Other annoyitating celebrities: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Ho-Han
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Who would you define as "annoyitating"?

Random facts about me

• I was born on Easter Sunday
• My favorite month is October
• I hate Tuesdays
• I won a 3-point shooting contest in 8th grade for my school's basketball team
• I was an engineering major in college for about 10 minutes
• I say I like books, but I much prefer movies and TV
• I am a distant, poor relative of the Dole family who made a fortune on pineapples in Hawaii (my maternal grandmother's maiden name was Dole)
• I have a glass of chocolate milk almost every night before bed
• I still have both my tonsils and my appendix
• I don't like ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, or anything considered a condiment
• I get homesick very easily (Seriously, when I'm in Niagara Falls, Ontario I look longingly across the river and can't wait to get back home. It's that bad.)
• I refuse to try to understand all the fuss about Harry Potter
• My digestive system does not like Indian food, and neither do my tastebuds
• One of my favorite things to do in the entire world is to see a fireworks display
• I have an insane memory. (For example, I actually still know my Ohio driver's license number, and I haven't lived in Ohio for over 5 years.)
• I believe in ghosts, but I hope to never see any in my entire life
• Lightening bugs fascinate me
• And finally, I know this is blasphemy, but I just don't like Starbuck's coffee

Shampoo Review: DeGunk-ilicious

Who doesn't want to try a shampoo that promises to tingle?

I know I was smitten at first glance by Herbal Essences degunkifying shampoo once I saw the word "tingling." Then I read further and fell even more in love. The ingredients are...get this...icy pineapple and cotton leaf! I have no idea if icy pineapple and cotton leaf 1. exist 2. are good for hair or 3. are actually in the shampoo, but doesn't it sound cool?!

I have tested this product, and it does tingle. Not in a medicated dandruff shampoo way, but in a fun "I'm pampering myself with this awesome shampoo" way.

Here's a scenario where this product is just what you need... You have a hot date on Saturday night and want to look your best, so you pull out all the stops and use Paves Professional styling products to create a Good Hair Evening. The next day is Sunday. You had so much fun on your date you decide you deserve to stay in all day relaxing and having a movie fest--you never even get out of your pajamas. Monday morning, back to the grindstone. But you haven't washed your hair since Saturday night and it's now literally gunky, plus...you need a little pick-me-up because it's Monday Morning. You need to degunkify.

So I highly recommend this product. The only con is that there's no matching conditioner. Maybe Herbal Essences thinks that conditioner would re-gunkify your hair, but it's one of very few shampoos with no matching conditioner. One thing to look out for-- it tends to be on the shelves next to Herbal Essences "Drama Clean", which is also in a green bottle, so don't get confused. You want to tingle.

Men, since this product is not made by Pantene, it's OK for you to try too.

Where is she now: Cindy Brady

Susan Olsen (b. 1961)
Then: Cindy Brady, The Brady Bunch.
Now: Single mom

• Former graphic designer, rocker and radio talk-show host.
• Onetime spokeswoman for Migraine Awareness Month.
• Did not star in porno movies, as rumored.

Golden Globe for Most Delusional

Cameron, I know that Justin dumped you, but someday you will look back and wish that you didn't come to the Golden Globe's wearing a toilet paper wedding dress. He doesn't want you anymore. Move on, and keep the "what could have been" fantasies to yourself.

"Ahh, Aveeno!"

Buffalo is under a winter storm warning today, but not the fun, "stay-at-home-and-drink-hot-chocolate" 2-feet-of-snow storm; it's the crappy, "you-still-have-to-go-to-work" freezing rain kind of storm. I usually don't let the weather get to me, but WOW would I love to be under the covers watching Uncle Buck right now. I think it's the weather combined with the fact that I have to work on MLK Day that has me blue.

So I might as well blog about some beauty products that I have tested and can now recommend. "Aveeno." Their products used to be synonymous with chicken pox relief and dematologist samples. In the last couple years, however, they've launched some new products for face and skin care. Less medical than Cetaphil, more natural than Neutogena, and better quality than Dove, Aveeno is successfully tapping into this market (in my opinion). So, without further adieu, here are 2 more beauty products that I have sampled and can recommend. For more info, visit www.Aveeno.com.

Guess Who

Matthew Broderick or

Ben Affleck?

To me it looks like it could be either.

I know the answer, I'm just wondering what you think.

A really unfortunate-looking picture of Kelly Clarkson

Check out this picture of Kelly Clarkson if you dare from people.com's style blog. Wow... It looks more like a before and after of a woman who underwent a sex change rather than a "does she look better with or without makeup". It's kind of just cruel for People.com to even post this and ask which one looks better. Wow...
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See why I'm all about beauty products?

Time I'll want back when I'm on my deathbed

I can't believe how much of my time is spent doing things that I don't even really want to do. I'm kind of a numbers person, and I often wonder exactly how much of my time is wasted by the crap of life, both avoidable and unavoidable. I'm sure it adds up to months, if not years. Off the top of my head, here are some things that, when I'm on my deathbed, I know I'll curse myself for wasting time on.

• Watching Season 8 of Beverly Hills 90210 (the Hilary Swank season)
• Time spent behind slow drivers on single lane roads (my biggest pet peeve)
• Every micro-second I spent in AP Chemistry
• The month I spent reading The Good Earth in 7th grade (there's something to be said for book banning; I wish this had been one of them).
• Time spent watching British humor trying to convince myself that it's funny when it's not.
• Every Mentos commercial I ever sat through (oddly entertaining on one hand, but a waste of time on the other).
• Time spent doing dishes and laundry (God do I hate doing dishes and laundry!)
• All the time that Norton and Windows Updates have taken out of my life when they usurp my computer.
• The two hours and change I spent in the theater seeing Mission Impossible.
• Waiting in waiting rooms.
• Getting stuck in conversations with people about boring crap and being too nice to implement an exit strategy.

What time will you want back when you're on your deathbed?

Beauty Tip: Never let a stripper wax your eyebrows

I learned this the hard way...

Guys, you might switch from barber shops to salons if you knew that many strippers have day jobs working in beauty shops. It's true. (And if you think about it, it kind of makes sense in some weird way.) Anyway...

One Saturday I was out and about and stopped at a salon for a quick brow wax. I've had them a million times, and I'm not picky about who I see or where it's done so long as I leave looking more like Liz Taylor rather than Frida here.

As a walk-in (meaning no appointment, as many brow waxes are done) you're not going to get Vidal Sasson to tend to you. You're going to get the shampoo girl, the girl who sweeps up hair, or really any warm body with hands. Well this one day I got the known stripper in the salon--Amber, Autumn...something like that (you know it's a stage name, so I'm not exactly revealing her identity here). She had the fake boobs, gallons of makeup, glittery platform shoes--the whole deal.

So she takes me to the waxing room, we make salon small talk (no, I don't have kids; yes I've had my brows waxed before; no, I don't need any products; yes, I know how fabulous they are...) She finally starts to apply the wax, and everything's going as it should...until she puts the muslin strips on the wax to remove the hair.

Ideally, muslin strips should be on your skin for a fraction of a second during any waxing. You want them to just adhere to the wax, then quickly remove them. Well, you'd think that Amber/Autumn was wallpapering my face the way she applied the muslin. She took her time, she pressed it down, she rubbed it. Those strips were basically superglued to my brow. I knew I was in for a world of hurt.

I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say that I left the waxing room looking like Rocky after the fight where Mick cut his eye. It. was. bad! I had to see my dermatologist the next day! I wore sunglasses for a week, even inside.

The irony is that you'd think strippers would know a lot about hair removal. Although I guess no one is really looking at their eyebrows...

Christina's Excellent 80's Movie Adventure

I love the 1989 classic movie Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (I'm allowed to, I grew up in the '80's). But I was thinking today that if a telephone booth from the future appeared on my tree lawn, I wouldn't be so boring as to go back in time and bring back real people. I would instead dial my time booth to '80's movies and bring a wide array of the decade's greatest characters to the stage of San Dimas High.

The emcee would, of course, be Carol Anne from Poltergeist to announce that "They're Heeere..." Michael J. Fox would get everyone in a party mood as Teen Wolf. Maybe he'd shoot some hoops or surf on top of a van to a little "Surfin' USA". Then we'd have a live aquatic show from Daryl Hannah as the mermaid "Madison" in Splash, followed by "Wax On, Wax Off" lessons from Mr. Miyagi of the Karate Kid (I and II, but we'll ignore III for it's obvious "Bogus!"-ness). Kim Cattrall as "Emmy" from Mannequin would do a little fashion show for us, and we would conclude with Maverick, Goose, Ice-Man and Slider recreating the volleyball scene from Top Gun.

I can picture it all in my mind and it's an A+ for sure.

I'm picking on Teri Hatcher again...

The Alexander Doll company is issuing limited edition Desperate Housewives dolls this spring. Here's a sneak peek at Teri Hatcher's doll...

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[moment of silence to look closely at the doll]

...? ....?? ...!???

I'm sorry, but this doll looks nothing like Teri Hatcher. This doll looks more like "Wishful Thinking" for Teri Hatcher. I know that I've targeted poor Teri not once, but twice--OK really three times on this blog. Truthfully she just really gets on my nerves. She has since she was on Lois & Clark, and especially when she guest starred on the "they're real and they're spectacular" episode of Seinfeld. She went away quietly for awhile, but lately she seems to be EVERYWHERE! And now she's a doll!? My tolerance is running low...

What do you think?

Lookalike or wishful thinking?

Beauty Product Recommendation: Eyeshadow & Lip Gloss

Santa Claus gave me some fun new eyeshadows and lip gloss in my stocking. I've been sampling them this week and am prepared to give them my seal of approval.

These are from the Beauty Rush makeup line at Victoria's Secret. Each item is $7 or 3/$15. The lip glosses are very tasty (I have Grapefruit Blast). The eye shadows are wonderful. Long-lasting, blend well, easy to apply. I have 4 shades (Brown to Earth, Jet Set, After Midnight, & Too Too Pink) and would recommend any of them.

I wish I could say that they made you look like a Victoria's Secret model, but unfortunately they don't have those magic ingredients. But they're still worth a try.

Award for Worst Christmas Gift

I just learned that a good friend of mine got one of the worst Christmas gifts ever. Her college-aged son got her the first season of Murder She Wrote on DVD.

Nothing says "I put no thought into this gift" like Angela Lansbury.

The Good Samaritan...Soap Style

I was an unknowing Good Samaritan this holiday season, and I have General Hospital to thank for it.

A friend of mine who is an Average Joe-kind of guy has a new-ish girlfriend who is the Diamonds&Furs-type. One night during the October storm he and I were drowning our power outage woes in wine at a local establishment. Average Joe said that he was feeling very insecure with Diamonds&Furs, and that he was already stressing about potential Christmas gifts for her. Always one to come to the aid of someone in need, I told him a little story that I'd seen on General Hospital years and years ago.

Sonny Corinthos was being forced to marry Lily Rivera for mob business purposes. He did not love her, even though she loved him; but he respected her greatly. When Sonny proposed he quoted a beautiful passage from the Bible that said something like "a good woman is hard to find, and is worth more than diamonds." And so Sonny gave Lily a ruby engagement ring to signify that she was both a good woman and worth more than diamonds. I always loved that scene. Average Joe liked it too (even if it was from a soap opera, he added).

Well I saw Average Joe yesterday, and he was so excited to tell me that that he got Diamonds&Furs a ruby ring for Christmas, and that she absolutely loved it. He said he even used to whole "good woman" schpeel and that it was met with great success. Judging from the smile on his face, I think I know what she gave him for Christmas in return. Good deed accomplished!

And the moral of the story is that 1. it's a good idea to recommend gifts to clueless men, and 2. it's truly worthwhile to watch soap operas. This story is proof positive!

Who will be the first?

OK, this is really really terrible, but I was just thinking that one of the Golden Girls is likely to die in 2007. (God, please forgive me, I know this is awful; I just can't help the way my mind wanders sometimes.) Let me clarify that I'm not saying I wish one of them would die; it's simply a feeling I have that one of them will die this year. I mean, at this point it's almost a statistical certainty. Bea Arthur (Dorothy) and Estelle Getty (Sophia) are both 83. Betty White (Rose) will be 85 on January 17th, and Rue McClanahan (Blanche) is 72. How much longer can they hang on?

I'm not going to be crass and actually take bets on which one will go first (although there is a small part of me that thinks that would be really funny), BUT (and I will promise to do a big tribute when it happens) who do you think will be the first?