The Marlboro Raisin

Check out this piece of clipart I found...what the hell is it? A raisin smoking a carrot? That's what it looks like to me. (I've always said carrots are bad for you). If you put a cowboy hat on this raisin, the Marlboro Man would be out of a job.

K-Fed: Father of the Year

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This just in... America's Finest News Source, The Onion, has completed a hostile takeover of Details magazine and published a spoof issue declaring K-Fed "Father of the Year."

Un-ion

The English language sure can be contradictory at times. I had a discussion about this last night while spending some time with my boyfriend and his long-time friend at one of my favorite local establishments (I again recommend the London Broil should you ever dine there). Anyway, Boyfriend and Friend shared a theory with me developed when they were in high school that the word "union" should really be pronounced like "onion." The rules of phonics certainly seem to support this theory, so I indulged the idea in my mind, and this is what I came up with:

• The War Between the States was fought to preserve the Onion.
• Marriage is an onion between a man and a woman.
• Onions have been the source of many labor disputes, such as the current writer's onion strike.
• Many gay couples opt to partake in onion ceremonies since they cannot legally marry.
• Onion College was founded in 1795.
• Onion Pacific was one of the first railroads in the nation.
• Credit onions are a popular investment.

I think I like it!

Easter at Christmas?

Even though the turkeys are still warm from Thanksgiving, the Christmas season is officially upon us. One decoration I've seen this year that I just don't understand is the Lighted Soft Tinsel Yellow Bird. Nothing says "Ho Ho Ho" like a spring chick.

Thanksgiving Philosophy

So, today is Thanksgiving, and across the nation turkeys are being stuffed, pies are being baked, and cranberries are coming out of the can. It's a joyous time-- a day to let go of our worries from the other 364 days of the year (like expanding waistlines, overdue bills, and why the hell Marie Osmond is still on Dancing with the Stars). So, just for today, give yourself permission to let it all go, and get drunk on wine and egg nog. Happy Thanksgiving!

Carol's Earrings

Hey, look, the Metropolitan Museum of Art found Carol Brady's earrings that Cindy took during an adolescent moment and lost in a towel. Another Brady caper solved...

Bee-autiful

Would it surprise anyone if I said I wanted this honey shampoo? I do-- badly. It would match my runny honey bodywash so perfectly! And combined with my chocolate shampoo...oh my God!

Wishlist!

Happy 1st Birthday to My Blog!

The Rumer Mill

I heard it through the grapevine that Rumer Glenn Willis is actually a transgendered Charlie Brown come to life. I didn't really believe this, but it was confirmed by playing the telephone game with a friend at recess, so it must be true.

Regardless of whether or not Rumer is a SHim Charlie Brown, one thing is certain-- she is a classic butterface.

(Advice to Rumer: Honey, put your Mom's plastic surgeon on speed dial. Luckily, money is no object.)

A Warning to Turkeys Everywhere

Things I hate for no particular reason, but I hate them

The creepy CBS eye logo

Busosines

Writing the lower case letter "g"

Trucker gear as a fashion statement

The symbol for the bass cleff (treble is so much prettier)

Me

I am the type of person who would travel the world and come home with a million pictures of McDonald's.

Statue of Perseus

I was really surprised when I saw the statue of Perseus with the Head of Medusa at the Metropolitan Museum of Art that it didn't look anything like Harry Hamlin. The sculptor never saw Clash of the Titans?! Did he live under a rock?

You make me want a better robe

God help me, I LOVE this picture of Jack Nicholson in a leopard-print robe. I was wondering where one might find a robe such as this, so I partook in a brief Google journey to see what I could find. It turns out that, like the man himself, Nicholson's robe is a one-of-a-kind, because the closest thing I could find is this:

Lemon Shower Caps

I've always been a fan of the little cheesecloth shower caps that fancy restaurants put on their lemons so that seeds don't get in your food when you squeeze the juice. They are up on my list with drink umbrellas and minty ice cubes.

WANTED!

I want this I want this I want this, but not for $20.00.

I'm going to ask Santa for this.

But in the meantime I keep looking at it and wanting it...

My Two Part Nap

I am truly exhausted lately because I've been working a lot. (Of all times for NaBloPoMo to fall!!!) But yesterday I made some headway in recovering with what was possibly THE best nap of my life. It was so wonderful, there were two parts to it. Part One took place on the couch, and Part Two happened in my bed.

Part one began after dinner, with no hint of napping to come. I was sitting on the couch, enjoying a glass of wine, listening to the day's replay of Howard Stern. At some point I drifted into a land of bliss-- that lovely thing called sleep we all love so much. After an unknown amount of time, I woke up, only because I was slightly chilly.

And so begins Part Two. With very little effort, and absolutely no guilt, I floated upstairs to my bed, tucked myself under the covers, and fell into a near coma for hours. I woke up at 9:15 PM to the sound of a lovely November rain (the weather, not the song; although the song is lovely too.) And I was happy...

I Can't Believe It's Butter Coffee

Look how tired I am. I put butter in my coffee this morning instead of sugar. (Don't judge. You might do the same some day.)

I'll admit, I'm kind of tempted to try this and see how it tastes. I love butter, as I've haiku-ed before. Maybe this was a Freudian slip and I really wanted to put butter in my coffee. Maybe I just invented the next new fad-- Butter Coffee, available at ButterBucks.

[time lapse]

OK, never mind. Greasy, salty coffee is not that good, even when made with real butter. But in the future, if you ever see butter coffee on the menu at Starbucks, you'll know where they got the idea.

My secret Cosmo recipe

I've been told I make a great Cosmo, and I concur. A good Cosmo is just what I need after a long day's work, or to celebrate being in the company of good friends. So, in the spirit of Saturday night, I'm willing to share my personal recipe, which has been perfected over one full year of trial and error.

Let's start with the ingredients. You'll need vodka, triple sec, cranberry juice, and a big slice of fresh lime.

Vodka: Unlike many people, I don't get my panties in a bunch about the brand of vodka I use. Svedka is my preference, because it's cheap, but still good. Sure, I'd love to use Grey Goose or Belvedere, but don't really see the point since it's being mixed. Plus, I'm a bargain hunter, so I will use whatever is on sale, or even a bottom-of-the-barrel brand in a pinch so long as I don't exceed the formula of "Cosmo with cheap vodka greater than or equal to 2 equates to painful hangover." In short, get yourself some vodka, but don't sweat the brand.

Triple sec: I am again unlike most people here. I care tremendously about the brand of triple sec used in my Cosmo. Hiram Walker has the best flavor triple sec on the market, in my opinion, and it's about $7.99 for a bottle that will last forever. It's worth the extra $2 to upgrade from Mr. Boston.

Cranberry juice: Caution, as Brian Regan has pointed out, cranberries are getting into all the juices lately. You want 100% cranberry juice for a Cosmo. Not CranApple or CranGrape or CranRaspberry or CranCherry or CranMango or CranAnything else. Just plain old Cranberry juice. Ocean Spray is preferred, but not essential. I use Wegmans brand, and it's delicious.

Fresh Lime Slice: When I say a slice, I mean a real slice. Not the lime sliver what you get in a bar. I've determined that fresh lime is THE essential ingredient to a good Cosmo.

Recipe:

• 2 full jiggers of vodka
• 1 full jigger of triple sec
• 1 full jigger of cranberry juice
• The juice of 1 lime slice

Combine all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Shake well, pour (filtering out the ice) into your favorite martini glass, and enjoy!

Happy Saturday!

Beta Blows

Dear Yahoo mail Beta,

I have a complaint-- I hate you. I used to like the original you, but you've gotten too big for your britches. All you do is slow down my Internets and tell me I have email when I don't. The competition is so much better than you.

Signed,
Disgruntled in Buffalo

Are seeing eye dogs trained to pick up their own poop?

I decided to start NaBloPoMo with everyone's favorite topic...poop. Recently I was in a restaurant enjoying a meal with friends. While they were discussing some heady topics, like the Middle East peace process, I was doing what I do best-- daydream. At one point during the meal, two blind people walked into the restaurant with a pair of seeing eye dogs. I awoke from my daydream to notice the special canines, and I was mesmerized. I love animals.

My friends continued to save the world with discussions of possible cures for cancer and ways to end our nation's dependence on oil, but I kept looking at the dogs. After a moment, while one friend was offering a formula for an AIDS vaccine, a thought occured to me...who picks up the poo of seeing eye dogs? Seriously, who? These dogs, special as they are, do not have opposable thumbs. I'm pretty sure that means they can't pick up after themselves. I don't think the blind owner can do it either (without a lot of wetnaps). So who does it? Perhaps there is an exemption in the law mandating the pickup of dog poop if it comes from a seeing eye dog? In my mind, that's the answer.

So next time you frolic at your favorite local park and step in dog doo-- before you get annoyed-- stop and say, "I bet this came from a seeing eye dog."