Beta Blows

Dear Yahoo mail Beta,

I have a complaint-- I hate you. I used to like the original you, but you've gotten too big for your britches. All you do is slow down my Internets and tell me I have email when I don't. The competition is so much better than you.

Signed,
Disgruntled in Buffalo

Are seeing eye dogs trained to pick up their own poop?

I decided to start NaBloPoMo with everyone's favorite topic...poop. Recently I was in a restaurant enjoying a meal with friends. While they were discussing some heady topics, like the Middle East peace process, I was doing what I do best-- daydream. At one point during the meal, two blind people walked into the restaurant with a pair of seeing eye dogs. I awoke from my daydream to notice the special canines, and I was mesmerized. I love animals.

My friends continued to save the world with discussions of possible cures for cancer and ways to end our nation's dependence on oil, but I kept looking at the dogs. After a moment, while one friend was offering a formula for an AIDS vaccine, a thought occured to me...who picks up the poo of seeing eye dogs? Seriously, who? These dogs, special as they are, do not have opposable thumbs. I'm pretty sure that means they can't pick up after themselves. I don't think the blind owner can do it either (without a lot of wetnaps). So who does it? Perhaps there is an exemption in the law mandating the pickup of dog poop if it comes from a seeing eye dog? In my mind, that's the answer.

So next time you frolic at your favorite local park and step in dog doo-- before you get annoyed-- stop and say, "I bet this came from a seeing eye dog."

What's really under the Arby's cowboy hat?

Is it just me, or can the Arby's logo look

a little phallic at times?

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Too much effort

I've always wondered what my IQ is; not because I think I'm a genius, but because I'm nosey. I've never taken a test, so I could be another Einstein (or Forest Gump) for all I know!

So last night I tried to take one online. I got to the first question. It was one of those classic algebra questions about a pipe filling a tub while another is draining it...when will the tub be full? Within a second I decided it was just way too much effort to take the test. So, does that make me stupid or lazy? I'm pretty sure my laziness quotient is very high. I still don't know about my intelligence, though.

Why are IQ tests all about math and other junk anyway? How practical is filling a bathtub that is, at the same time, draining? Why can't I take a quiz identifying celebrity mug shots, matching shampoos with their ad slogans, and identifying Brady Bunch episodes within the first 10 seconds? That is where my true gifts are. If I wasn't so lazy, maybe I'd come up with an IQ test of this nature. Sigh...

Christie Brinkley Calls for the End of Nuclear Proliferation

Christie Brinkley says we shouldn't have nukes. Well, ok, then it's time to listen if Christie Brinkley says so. I know that when I think of Christie Brinkley, I think CoverGirl, Total Home Gym, Uptown Girl, and the end of nuclear proliferation. I don't know why she didn't speak up sooner.

His Prerogative

Yesterday it was reported that Bobby Brown had a heart attack, but today the singer issued a statement denying any such nonsense. I'm so baffled by these mean reports about Bobby's ill health. I mean, look, Bobby is a real upstanding guy-- just ask Whitney.

You know, it's funny, there have been reports in the past that Bobby has done some very bad things, and he's had to deny those too. Extra-marital affairs, drug use, public intoxication, domestic violence, illegitimate children... Bobby said no to them all. And why shouldn't we believe him? It's not like he ever served jail time for any of these crimes.

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What would lead us to believe that Bobby had a heart attack anyway? He's the picture of mind-body-soul balance. Since he's never done drugs, there's no reason to believe that years of snorting coke would strain his heart.

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I, for one, believe you Bobby. I'll add your non-heart attack to a list with Michael Jackson denying that he's had plastic surgery, OJ affirming that he didn't kill anyone, and Bill Clinton not having sex with that woman-- Ms. Lewinsky. Don't worry, Bobby, I've got your back. Just get back to the studio and make more of that fabulous music of yours.

Wild Commentary

Today I went to the Buffalo Zoo. While I was there, I noticed that many of the animals seemed deep in thought. I think I know what they were thinking. Take a look below.

Presenting Mr. & Mrs. C-3PO

Super Model Kate Moss makes a fashion statement on the Red Carpet with her husband, Star Wars' own C-3PO.

Old Navy, PROUDLY Since 1994

Whenever I’m sad, I know there’s a little place I can go to brighten my spirits. It’s full of color, comfort and cool pajamas. That place is Old Navy. With the best hoodies in town, trendy totes, and funky socks, it’s a shopper’s dream.

I thought it was a little strange, though, that ON adopted a motto similar to its parent company, The Gap, of saying when it was founded. (e.g. Gap, since 1969). But Old Navy was doing this in 1996, and they were founded in 1994. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't find it very effective to say "Trust us, we're 2 years old."

ON really takes pride in that 1994 thing. Was it such a great year? I remember it, and it was OK, but I certainly don't find myself saying very often, "Wow, I wish it was 1994 again!" Let's take a look at a few other things that happened in 1994 and see if Old Navy should be so proud:

• Tanya Harding's husband and friend broke Nancy Kerrigan's knee cap mobster-style.
• Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were murdered (and their killer--whomever he may be--is still on the Juice... oops, I mean loose).
• The Buffalo Bills lost their fourth consecutive Super Bowl.

I don't know, Old Navy, it may be time to adopt a new motto.

Things I Remember from the '80s...

As a child growing up in the '80's, it was unavoidable that my life would be forever influenced by things like The Cosby Show, jelly bracelets, and crimped hair. 80's pop culture surrounded me daily from the age of three to thirteen, and I absorbed all of it.

Here's a few of my favorites:

Jarts. These lawn spears allowed for a more modern game of horseshoes (or miniature jousting). It was all fun and games until stupid people started to die from being impaled by the Jarts. Natural selection if you ask me.

Burple. A Kool Aid-like beverage that came in an accordion style container that "burped" when you expanded or contracted it. Orange flavor was the bomb!

Fluppy Dogs. Next to Care Bears and Cabbage Patch Dolls, Fluppy Dogs were IT for me! I had a lavender one. If I ever find it in my parents' attic, I will resurrect it as a bed mate.

Glamour Gals. Move over Barbie, these trendy ladies were fashionable, dated guys cuter than Ken, and drove a Firebird. I loved to take them apart and dive for their limbs in my cousin's swimming pool, then reassemble them. I admit to checking out Glamour Gals on eBay recently.

Richie Rich. Saturday mornings wouldn't have been the same without this totally '80's cartoon. I always wanted a Professor Keanbean of my own.

What did you love in the '80's?