A Hashbrown is Forever

I have previously posted my love for McDonald’s hash browns, and I’m doing it again because they are just that good. It occurred to me recently while I was feasting on this delicious crunchiness that the quality of a hashbrown, much like diamonds, can be measured by 4 C’s. But rather than cut, color, clarity and carat, the hashbrown’s 4 C’s are: Crunchiness, Cholesterol, Count and Comfort.

Crunchiness \kren-chē-nes\
noun
Calculated by the amount of time spent in the deep fryer, plus the the amount of time sitting under the french fry lamp, multiplied by the amount of time it takes for the McEmployee to put it in a take-out bag.

Cholesterol \ke-'les-te-rōl\
noun
Measured as the residual grease soaked up by the hashbrown while in the deep fryer.

Count \kaunt\
noun
Cannot be less than two per person unless accompanied by a breakfast sandwich.

Comfort \'kem(p)-fert\
transitive verb
The level of satisfaction received from each bite, measured in Mmm's.

To conclude, McDonald's hashbrowns are delicious. In my lifetime, I'm sure I will have spent at least two month's salary on them.

Was Hercules the inspiration for Mike Brady's perm?

I spent some time in the Big Apple and snapped this pic at the Metropolitan Museum of Art's new Greek and Roman Exhibit. To me it seems obvious that the sculptor's interpretation of a virile, authoritative male was revived in the 1970's when Mike Brady's hair became so curly that it got its own dressing room and place in the credits.

Now let's take a moment to examine this work of art. Notice how his locks were individually carved, yet skillfully blend together, creating the helmet-like effect of a warrior (I'm talking about Mike). Take a moment to notice the detail... Can you imagine the countless hours it took to complete the piece? (Again, talking about Mike.) I think that by taking a moment observe the details, we can truly begin to understand why art is so precious.

Old School Telephone Numbers

Once upon a time, in a century far far away, a very smart man invented something called the "telephone machine." At first, like the later "mechanical television," naysayers said "It's a fad," and continued to use carrier pigeons. But eventually the telephone machine caught on, and is obviously here to stay.

Early telephone numbers were only five digits (unlike the standard ten of today). Words were used to identify the first two digits to help people remember the number. A famous example is the great Elizabeth Taylor movie, "BUtterfield 8." BU8, or 288, was a Manhattan exchange. I remember being so confused as a kid when my parents would recall their childhood phone numbers because this "BUtterfield" system was long-gone in the '80's. But I also felt like I had missed out on an important piece of useless history. So today I am reinventing the alpha-numeric phone number-- this time for area codes and with a pop culture twist. If you live in any of the following cities, check out my new way to say your area code.

Buffalo (716): "7, Sixteen Candles"
Cleveland (216): "21 Jumpstreet, 6"
Detroit (313): "thirtysomething, 3"
DC (202): "BOno, 2"
NYC (646): "6, HOosiers"
Houston (281): "28 Days, 1"
Boca Raton (954): "Nine to Five, 4"
Baton Rouge (225): "2, KAzaam"

Now it all makes sense

Headline--

Brigitte Nielsen: I Feel Reborn After Rehab

"Special 'Guest' Stars" Aren't So Special Anymore

“Special Guest Star” is a term that has completely changed its meaning over the last 15 years. It used to be that shows would bring in a high caliber celebrity as a “Special Guest Star” for an episode or two during sweeps week, or for a season premier or finale. But lately it seems like every show has a main character listed as a “Special Guest Star.” What’s up with that?

It all started with Heather Locklear on Melrose Place. Aaron Spelling brought her on board to save the show from poor ratings, and it worked. Six seasons later, not only was she still on the show, but she was one of the main characters, and she was still credited as “Special Guest Star.” I’m sorry, Heather, but you ceased being a “guest” when you moved into a balcony apartment with a view of the pool.

We saw this phenomenon happen again on 90210 when Luke Perry reprised his role as Dylan in 1998. He got the “Special Guest Star” label, but he was neither “special” nor a “guest;” he was just his regular old character.

Recently I discovered another “Special Guest Star” label gone awry while watching the new SoapNet show “General Hospital: Night Shift” (I don’t want to digress, so I’ll post about this awesome GH spin-off another time). Anyway, Billy Dee Williams is credited as the a “Special Guest Star.” He plays a janitor who offers his cool, sage wisdom as people ride in the elevator with him. My guess is he’ll be in every episode, making him neither “special” nor a “guest.”

Side story: While I was watching a TV show with “Special Guest Star” Billy Dee Williams, I was also doing a crossword puzzle in which Billy Dee Williams was one of the puzzle answers. What are the chances of that!?

Pame-Lulu Anderson Lee

My dog Lulu gettin' it on with a couch cushion. The only thing missing is bad porn music.

Temporarily out of commission

Got in a knife fight last night with a loaf of crusty sourdough bread. The bread won. I spent the evening in the ER, and unfortunately there were no doctors who looked like George Clooney or John Stamos. As far as wounds and ER visits go, this is no big deal. Three stitches, no nerve or tendon damage. My typing is seriously affected, though, I'm finding as I hunt and peck this message out. So please forgive any lack of postings that may result. Happy 4th of July! I'm going to watch the Twilight Zone marathon on SciFi now...

Timmy Toupe

Saw a guy in a restaurant last night with a really bad toupe. It looked as natural as this:

BASTARDS!

Why do you have to be so delicious, Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Hazelnut Creme Filled Pirouette Rolled Wafers!?

Book Review

Don't Hassel the Hoff: The Autobiography

Don't read this unless you are stranded alone on a deserted island and it washes ashore after a typhoon and reading it would be the only thing keeping you from killing yourself, and you have a substitute for toilet paper.