Wonderful Butter

"Butter." The word just flows off the tongue. I love butter. Growing up in my house, butter was always comfort food. Had a bad day? Nothing a little butter can't fix.

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In honor of my old friend butter, here's a little Haiku:

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Butter, you are delicious.

You make me happy.

Margarine, I don't get you.

"Heartbeat" Remastered?

OK, this can only end badly: Aspiring Rocker Kevin Costner...

It doesn't matter what the rest of the headline is-- "aspiring rocker" says it all. Did we learn nothing from the '80's? As if Don Johnson's Heartbeat, Bruce Willis's attempt at R.E.S.P.E.C.T., and Eddie Murphy's girl going Potty All the Time weren't painful enough, we now await a "rock" album from a man who acts with the energy of a sloth, begging the question: how bad is his singing going to be?

Kevin, you must be standing in a Field of Dreams. Not even Robin Hood could save you from this disaster. You may be on a street corner panhandling a Tin Cup if this goes as bad as I think it will. And when it's that bad, there's usually No Way Out. Give it up now!

Sons of Bitches, Bumpasses!

I have felt like screaming this, my favorite curse, from the classic movie A Christmas Story, a lot this week. I work at a church, and it's Holy Week so we're busy; I've been plagued with computer problems (hence the lack of new material on this blog); my checking account was down to $0.02 before payday; and I'm dreading turning the Big 3-0 on Tuesday. Then I come to find out that the director of A Christmas Story (Robert Clark) was killed this week. My first thought was 'Soap poisoning?' But no, it was a car accident. He's up with that big leg lamp in the sky. Rest in peace.

(Sorry for the short post with no graphic-- I'm on a borrowed computer and short on time.)

Trump's Jump

It's official...Donald Trump has "jumped the couch." Putting his famous onion loaf-like hair on the line, The Donald will face WWE head honcho Vince McMahon in a Wrestlemania match, Billionaire Style. What is "Billionaire Style?" Getting someone else to do your dirty work, of course. These two super-egos will choose a wrestler to fight for them, and the loser billionaire will (supposedly) have his head shaved by the victor.

I've watched a lot of trainwreck TV in my life, but this is just too ridiculous to be entertaining. Please, make it stop!

Febreze for Hair

Real Simple magazine, which I read on a regular basis, often has articles featuring alternative uses for common household products. For example, they say that you can clean your dishwasher with a pack of lemon Kool-Aid. Get the idea? Well, it got me thinking...are there alternative uses for hair products? I kind of came up with one last night as I was frying some chicken (just wait, you'll see the connection).

I love fried chicken but hate smelling like a deep fryer after cooking it. And when you have long hair, the scent of grease gets trapped in there like a backup dancer in Britney Spears's bedroom. It.is.gross! So I tried a little something new last night. I sampled different hair products on my fried-chicken-smelling hair seeking something that could double as Febreze for hair. And wouldn't you know-- I found one! And here it is: Influx 33 Leave in Conditioner available at Sally Beauty Supply. Check it out-- you'll thank me later.

Don't you hate it when...

...you drive out of your way before work to treat yourself to a Krispy Kreme doughnut and it falls out of the waxpaper bag onto the cold, salty sidewalk as you rummage through your purse to find the key to enter your place of employment?!

Must see Blog-TV

My dog Lulu, and her really great trick. (And, yes, she really is my dog.)

Things I'm certain I will never do

I'm familiar with the adage (and the Bond movie) "Never say never", but I think there can be some exceptions to that rule. I know myself pretty well, and I've compiled a list of things that I am fairly certain I will never do. Follow along if you wish:

• Become a vegetarian-- I have nothing against vegetarians, but I know that I can never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever be one. As it is, I'm like the opposite of a vegetarian-- a "meatatarian".
• Live in Africa-- Brangelina I am not. I don't do well with heat, scarce plumbing, and lack of English-speaking peoples.
• Play a musical instrument-- What's a treble clef?
• Shave my head-- what would I do with all my shampoo?
• Not shave my legs or armpits-- not even if I travel to France.
• Stop watching General Hospital-- it's been on for 44 years, so chances are good it will be on for the rest of my life.
• Run a marathon-- beside the fact that DD-cup sports bras really don't work, I don't see what is so fun about running. In fact, there are few things in life I hate more than running.
• Complete a Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle-- I'm convinced that nobody is that smart.
• Understand the ending of Indochine-- "The heel broke on my shoe." WTF!?!?

What are you pretty certain you will never do?

When was the last time Ethan Hawke showered?

I'm just curious. I know it hasn't been in this millennium. I've been looking through Google images of him, and I really think Dead Poet's Society in 1989 could be the last time he showered. What made him stop? Is there such a thing as a fear of showers-- is he a showerphobe? Or maybe he's on an eternal camping trip? Could he be on a shower strike to promote world peace? I must know-- what is the reason he stopped showering!?!?

Anyone have any inside info they can share?

My next conquest

I must have this as my next new shampoo... L'Oreal VIVE Pro Nutri Gloss. What's not to love? Pink bottle, infused with pearl proteins, makes hair as soft as cashmere.

Oh, yes, I will have this. It is my destiny.