Lost in "Lost"

After a couple seasons of sitting on my procrastination list, I have finally dug into watching Lost beginning with episode 1. The entire series is on Hulu for the time being, so all 100 plus episodes are at my disposal. As I've worked my way up to Season 5, I notice my brain starting to warp. Here are some signs that I've been watching too much Lost.

• My recent Google searches include "making shampoo from nature," "how to start a fire on a deserted island," and "natural sunscreen."
• I swear I saw Hurley at my local grocery store just last week.
• A business acquaintance died recently, and part of me thinks I will see him again.
• I played the lottery with numbers 4-8-15-16-23-42.
• I no longer think of Party of Five when I see Matthew Fox.
• My heart skips a beat every time I hear the word "other."
• And lastly, I thought the Island skipped me ahead in time when I saw a woman vaguely resembling an ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend, walking past his house carrying a baby.

My goal is to be caught up with the show by the time the finale airs, so I'm going to keep watching until my nose bleeds.

Dear America, Watch Hockey

I used to be one of them. One of those people that don't watch hockey. Not only do they not watch it, but they don't know how much they are missing not watching hockey.

Since moving to Buffalo eight years ago, I have developed a genuine interest in the sport. I still don't know all the subtle nuances of the game, like I do for basketball and baseball, but I know this-- it's an AWESOME sport to watch. So I still only pretend to know what icing is, and I don't even try to understand the lines, but I watch regularly and I have fun!

I'm here today to implore the rest of America to start watching hockey. I'll start with you, Cleveland, my hometown. I don't know why we're not hockey fans, 'cause we totally should be. We have ice, and only the shallowest Great Lake separates us from Canada. That's like E=MC2 for a hockey town! If this Cleveland gal can fall in love with it, so can you! Before you know it, we could have a pro hockey team with a lame name and bad colors who will never win the Stanley Cup, but whom we love and embrace with blinding fury.

What's so great about hockey, you ask? Well, here are my top reasons I think you should watch:

1. There are fights right in the middle of the game! Personally, I think two men punching each other on ice is about as bad ass as it gets.
   
2. It is a fast-paced game, and very efficient. Time outs are rather infrequent, so not a lot of time wasted, which works well in our busy society.
   
3. Many of the players are hot! I know they're all geared up and covered with helmets, but you still get to see their sexy, stubbly faces.
4. If missing teeth is not your thing, fear not; due to great advances in dentistry, most hockey players appear to have a complete set of teeth these days.
   
5. Hockey is a great venue to witness extreme endurance and athleticism, perhaps more than any other sport. (Yeah, that's right Football, I said it.) The pace of the game and the speeds these guys reach on a consistent basis is nothing short of extraordinary.
6. The rules are pretty easy to understand-- whoever has the most goals wins (kind of). Worry about the rules later...
7. If you like mysteries, hockey gear is a great one. I still don't know what the heck they wear under their jerseys and shorts, but I'm always intrigued.
   

So, give it a try (preferably with some Canadian beer and Buffalo wings). You'll thank me later.

Nature Schmature

Trying to make the most of my summer vacation this past weekend, I went for a walk in the woods (to live deliberately and all that jazz). I drove from my parents' house to Chapin Forest Reservation in Kirtland, Ohio with my trusty companion, Lulu, by my side. I was excited, and ready to commune with nature as I forged into the forest.

Seeking a little quiet and solitude on my endeavor, I experienced neither when I immediately encountered a day camp of noisy children on my trail. While quickly moving to a different one, I accumulated an impressive rock garden in each of my shoes. Trying to pass the stabbing pains for calming acupuncture only lasted so long. It was time to regroup and start again.

Finally walking solo (in rockless shoes) I tried to take in the sounds, smells, and sights of nature. This is when I concluded rather quickly that I live in the city to avoid exactly these things. The sound of nature this day was a bug that I never actually saw buzzing near my ear. I think it's classification in the Animal Kingdom is Torturus Sidler. I could not out-sidle this sidler, and it was driving me mad. Determined to suck more marrow out of life, I continued my walk while constantly fanning my hands by my ears in a feeble attempt to keep the sidler insect at bay. This was the moment I stepped in horse poop.

As I took in the smell of nature (and cleaned it off my shoes), I was annoyed with the rude rider who ignored the "Please clean up after your pets" sign that was clearly posted at the beginning of the trail.

After the poo, I sat down on a bench (lest I step in anymore). I was trying to take in the sights of nature (picture below). Pretty boring, huh? That's what I thought too.

Determining that the marrow of my life is not in the woods, I fished my iPod from my bag and gleefully walked by to my car to the soothing sounds of "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas, deeming nature sooo "two thousand late."

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one back to the city.
~Reigning Frog

Senator Nanny Fine?

Miss Fine!

In what sounds like a rejected script from the TV show The Nanny, Fran Drescher is tossing her DKNY hat (bought on sale at Loehmann's, no doubt) in the ring to replace Hillary Clinton as the junior Senator from New York state.

Wuh?

I don't support the idea anymore than Mr. Sheffield would, and here's why:

• Since Roger Clinton is the Sheffield's neighbor, Hillary will still be in the picture. Hillary and C.C. have a lot in common-- namely that nobody can stand either of them.
• The probability is high that Fran will wear disguises to gain access to congressional meetings that she's not invited to. That may work in catching a husband, but not in governing a nation.
• Fran has a known Doppelgänger (Bobbi Flekman), so we would always be wondering if the real Fran Fine is standing up.
• As Mr. Sheffield can attest, Fran has a knack for losing precious documents (such as an original excerpt of Shakespeare). Could she really be trusted near the Constitution and Declaration of Independence?
• Fran is easily swayed by the mere mention of Barbra Streisand's name; therefore we can assume that she's an easy target for bribery.

I think with these reasons (and many others) it's abundantly clear that the U.S. Senate is no place for a nanny.

Rosie O'Donnell in the Morning

Anyone else think this is NOT photoshopped?

We're through

NaBloPoMo, I'm breaking up with you. I'm tired of your demands. I'm gonna blog when I want to blog.

The Best $4.25 I Never Spent

Cola Shampoo

Even I wouldn't have thought of this.

That's not to say that I don't want this badly;
I just wouldn't have thought of it.

Might Be the Night Fever

This 1985 photo of Princess Diana dancing with John Travolta at a ball thrown by Ronald Reagan has always boggled me. In fact, if this photo didn't pre-date PhotoShop (and there wasn't a ton of video footage of them dancing), I'd suspect it was fake.

Yes, strangeness abounds with this particular photo. As a quick example, there's the whole "Why is John Travolta at a White House function?" thing. His career had pretty much flatlined by this time (until Look Who's Talking came out in 1989). Can you blame us, really? I mean, we were still recovering from Staying Alive for crying out loud!

Also, there's the whole celebrity/politics thing. Perhaps it's just an urban legend, but I'm pretty sure that the universe falls out of alignment if a celebrity attends any kind of Republican function.

And while many celebrities often feel that they are royalty, actual royalty (and most Kennedys) hold no such illusions. To see the Princess of Wales even in the same room with Danny Zuko is very strange.

In fact, there are so many strange things about this scenario, that it creates a near "when pigs fly" phenomena. If not for this photo, I might walk around saying: "I'll stop eating meat when Vinnie Barbarino dances with the Princess of Wales on the floor of the White House!"

I'm Your #1 Fan

Excuse me, Mr. Elderflower Unperfumed Eye Gel--

can I have your autograph?